It'll be Worth the Wait...

In Nick Hornby's book, About a Boy, Will - a grown man with no job - lives off the royalties of his dead dad's one hit wonder. 

He considers himself an island with no need for connection, and has devised a handy system to fill his excessive free time.

'His way of coping with the days was to think of activities as units of time, each unit consisting of about thirty minutes. Whole hours, he found, were more intimidating, and most things one could do in a day took half an hour. Reading the paper, having a bath, tidying the flat, watching Home and Away and Countdown, doing a quick crossword on the toilet, eating breakfast and lunch, going to the local shops... that was nine units of a twenty unit day (the evenings didn't count...)'

I've been reminded of this recently in my own life. Every morning, I wake up and check Amazon.co.uk (other UK book sellers apply.) Has my new book appeared yet? Will this be the day I can get excited for realsies? I check the site, see that it's not, understand that this also means it won't have appeared on Waterstones' or Foyles' websites too, and then wonder what I'm going to do to fill the day. It's not as fun as it sounds.

As soon as I know the paperback is available in the UK, I can get promoting. I've got a two month social media plan ready to go and I'm desperate to get started. Instead, I'm in limbo. If I knew I had two weeks to fill, for example, I'd be able to make exciting plans. I'd go somewhere, I'd do something, I'd enjoy the break. Instead, I'm filling one day at a time, hoping that tomorrow will be the day the distribution channels kick in. It's not a horrendous problem compared to those of others, but it's frustrating af.

So, like Will, I'm killing time. I'm finding small things to do that take up a portion of space, but aren't so involved I can't drop them the minute I spot my book. Sigh. Apologies to those people who haven't got time to breathe. I've been there and I'll be there again. Isn't it mad how we always want what we don't have? 

Writing News

Despite the wait for the UK paperback availability, the ebook version of Leeza McAuliffe is Branching Out has been going great guns. And by 'great guns', you need to know I'm being massively sarky. 

Actually, I'm not sure I do mean that. I've got some pre-orders, so a huge thank you if you've purchased. No, what I'm being flippant about is how Amazon's rankings have kicked in already. At some point during the week I spotted that whilst Leeza McAuliffe is Branching Out was several hundred thousand down in the Kindle Store ratings as a whole, it seemed that it was clocking in at thirty-sixth in Young Adult Gay Fiction eBooks. Hurrah! 

Like I said, Amazon rankings are mad and change every day. (If you look at the photo, it's also been ranked in a nonfiction category too. Lolz.) I should also be clear. Whilst there is a coming out subplot in the novel, it's not the main plot, and anyone looking purely for a Young Adult Gay Fiction read would feel pretty shortchanged with their choice. But still, thirty sixth? I'll take it.

Culture

I've just finished the 2014 series, Looking. This one passed me by when it came out and I don't know how I managed to miss it. It's three gay pals looking for love and hookups in San Francisco. That's it, that's the gist. What I love is how - possibly just by sharing a San Francisco setting - it reminded me of Tales of the City. The creators knew that too. Doris' nursing scrubs show that she works at Barbary Medical Centre. That's deliberate, right? There was also a Mrs Madrigal reference at one point. I wallowed in the world of these characters and felt bereft when it was over. 

Now to book news. I read Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld, which is a modern day, Cincinnati-based Pride and Prejudice. I love Sittenfeld's writing and devoured this in no time. You probably don't need to know the ins and outs of the Jane Austen story to enjoy Eligible, but spotting the references and updated characters was an extra layer of joy. 

Last week's cinema visit saw me watching the recently released The Sheep Detectives. Here's what happened. I saw the trailer of the improbable tale of a shepherd's murder being solved by his flock of sheep, which looked piss-funny so I was immediately onboard. The reality, however, was a little different. It's still great but I'd say it firmly lands in the 'wholesome family film' category as opposed to the subversive LOL-fest that I'd assumed. Either way, it was a pleasant experience.

And finally, in exciting live theatre news, I saw Kool Story Bro. Kiell Smith Bynoe's improv show had a night in Manchester so me and my mate attended. I know improv tends to split opinion. Some people love it, but others cringe so far out of their body they need to be helped back in. I, for one, am a fan - of good improv, that is. Happily, this was very good improv and a marvellous night was had by all.

Food and Drink

To fill a few of my half hour units last week, I drove to Booths. For the uninitiated, Booths is a posh supermarket chain in the north of England. The nearest one to me is forty minutes away so I don't go very often. In fact, I realised on the way there, that the last time I visited was before lockdown. That's years ago! Anyway, in a bid to kill a day of waiting, combined with the fact I needed a cucumber, I drove to Burscough. 

I could never do my weekly shop there. Firstly, it's too far away. Secondly, it's quite small and doesn't stock every little I'd need. But thirdly, and let's face it, most importantly, it has lots of 'very nice' versions of things that cost much more than their basic Asda counterparts. I'd spend an absolute fortune. There's also loads of novelty items, or as I like to call them, 'what on earth does this taste like?' stuff. Take Umami Paste. I LOVE the flavour of umami. It's that salty punch of flavour you get in olives, capers, anchovies, soy sauce, and miso. It's my favourite vibe to any meal. As a standalone product, however, it's new to me. What's the taste of bottled umami? How do they make it? I had only one option. I had to buy it.

The good news is, it tastes exactly as I'd want it to taste. The less good news is, I don't really know what to do with it. It'd probably work well in a veggie stew - wherever there's a need to replicate the depth of meaty flavour, a dollop of paste would work wonders. I imagine that's the sort of thing people use it for. I, on the other hand, spread it on toast. Fit.

Out and About

There was the drive out to Booths, the train to Manchester for the improv, and the usual food shops and errands of the week. Beyond that, there's not been much Out and About news to report. If I'd known I'd be waiting so long for this bloody book, can you imagine what excitements I could have planned? Nah, me either. More nonsense next week, yeah?

Have a lovely week, folks.

Risky Buffets and Political Icks...

This should be my 2026 Eurovision post.

It's that time of year when I remind you that the contest is on Saturday, with the semis taking place on Tuesday and Thursday of this week. I'd be recapping on how much I love Eurovision season, whether or not I rate the UK's chances, and which of the other competing songs stand out as likely winners. That's what normally happens. Not this year.

This year, I've been hugely disengaged. I know there's two semis and a final this week but that's about it. I've listened to zero songs, read nothing about the acts, and have no clue about the betting odds or backstage shenanigans. It's all felt a bit meh.

As I wrote in December, the EBU have been under loads of pressure to act - in various conflicting ways - about the inclusion of Israel in the contest. They eventually decided Israel could participate but they rejigged a few of the voting procedures to try and calm the situation. Who knows what'll happen? We'll find out soon enough. But for me, whose initial stance was 'I'll be damned if the horrific decisions of the Israeli government stop me enjoying my favourite night of the year,' it seems I'm viscerally lacking in gusto for the week's events. I'm guessing I'll still tune in - maybe listen with half an ear - but with none of my usual pomp and ceremony. 

All I'll say is GOOD LUCK to anyone competing. It's a massive gig - a world stage that can launch careers - and it's gross that one rogue government has managed to cast a pall over the thing. Especial best wishes to our own act, Look Mum No Computer. Sod's Law says this is the year we'll win.

Writing News

Almost all my technical headaches have gone. I say 'almost' but there's one remaining issue. After submission and acceptance, there's a time lag before the book appears in online shops. It can be anything from a few days to up to eight weeks. So far Leeza McAuliffe is Branching Out is yet to appear on any UK based sellers. In the US, on the other hand, it's ready and waiting. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and the US version of Bookshop.org are ready and waiting for pre-orders. As 99.9% of my sales come from the UK, this is an issue. Still, it's only been a couple of weeks so I can't complain. Yet. Fingers crossed I'll have a link to share soon.

Culture

I'm currently in the middle of so many TV shows, I've had to make a list on my phone so I remember. Isn't that mad? In the days when episodes were broadcast weekly, I'd never have had to make a special list of the stuff I was watching. I suppose that was when there were TV guides and a reliance on terrestrial channels. Hey ho, modern life. Anyway, for the curious among you, here are the shows that I'm amidst right now - some new, some old, all excellent.

I'm LOVING revisiting Queer as Folk

• Queer as Folk
• Rooster
• Shrinking
• Hacks
• Looking
• Transparent
• Amandaland
• Taskmaster
• SNL UK

Food and Drink

We played a risky game during last week's caravan holiday. Everyone was tasked to bring a buffet/picky tea item to contribute to Saturday night... with no communication or overall coordination. Larks! Would we end up with a twelve different types of crisp, or could we be imaginative in our choices. Well, look at the photo and see for yourself. Not bad, right? Hummus, olives, and sausages rolls were replicated but that was all. Try it at your own family gatherings for an exciting hit of jeopardy.

Out and About

I voted! My polling station is a shortish walk from my house so I had a bit of fresh air as I democratically tried to save my council from the absolute worst. (To no avail.) I also had a Friday night cinema trip, but that might appear in the Culture section next time. All I'll say is, sheep were involved. Baaaaa.

Whether you're devouring multiple TV shows in a bid to avoid bad news, despairing at local council nonsense, or turned off by the politics of an international singing competition, may you have an enjoyable week regardless.

Have a lovely week, folks.

The BFWCWoN...

Suddenly, and with no warning whatsoever, the annual Bond Family Welsh Caravan Weekend of Nonsense arrived. Catchy? No! Fun? Yeaaaah!

Was it good timing or not? On the one hand, my recent weeks of techy headaches left me DESPERATE for a seaside escape. Alternatively, now that a corner's been turned in the current publishing journey, and my hair-tearing and silent screams have abated, I really wanted to crack on with work. 

But here we are! The Bond Family Welsh Caravan Weekend of Nonsense stopped for no one. (Does it need an acronym? Is it zippier when condensed into a bunch of letters? Like LGBTQIA+ or the RNLI?) I've been away all weekend, almost completely WIFI free (the true meaning of stress) with three whole days of sea air, breezy walks, and boozy bants with family. It's exactly what I needed. 

So here is a pictorial representation of what went down. Heads up, I had some exciting mail before I left. It's possible it might have popped up in a few photos. FYI.

Yeaaaah, I may have got carried away. It seems I forced my family into an untold number of posed photos, each one meticulously directed by me. The first proof of Leeza McAuliffe is Branching Out arrived, you see. Sorry. It's completely self-indulgent and shows how full of myself I am, but just holding it in my hands made me SOOOO happy. Is that OK? Thanks for understanding, you lot. More next week, if you'll have me.

Have a lovely week, folks.

Too Much Screen Time...

Cast your mind back to the pandemic. Don't worry, this'll be brief. 

Not quite a field, but almost the same.

Like many people whose lives were on hold, I found myself hoovering up hours of podcasts as I went about my daily walk. I can remember exactly where I was (the track through the fields by the back of my house) when I heard Charlie Brooker say the following words... 

‘The core assumption I made that was wrong was that I would watch things on TV and would assume that the people making them were slapping themselves on the back and going ‘ah, we’re brilliant, I’m a genius, this is the best I could possibly do.’ And then of course as soon as you start making anything yourself, you realise that it’s difficult, or there’s compromises, or things go wrong, or you don’t have enough money or enough time.’ 

 The Adam Buxton Podcast – 13.5.18

It resonated then, and BOY does it resonate now. No matter how perfectly crafted the plot and characters of my stories and no matter how many people I co-opt to help shape the final draft, the second the publishing part kicks in, everything gets thrown in the air. 

Here's a recent example. The cover is set, so the spine is fixed. That spine is for a book of 370 pages. When I edit a word - perhaps to fix a typo - it can cause the word to be shorter, which might make the sentence that it's in to jump to the line above. That might make the whole page jump back, which means the final page count becomes 369. If that happens a few times, it changes everything and the spine becomes too big for the book. So, after fixing the typo that has reduced the page count, I have to scout about for a place to elongate another sentence so that the line jumps forwards, and the page moves on, and I'm back to 370 again. But then I spot another typo, and the jig starts again.  Argghghgh. 

Anyway, back to Charlie Brooker. Those words have been bouncing around my brain all week. How random that a throwaway comment on a podcast in 2018, that I listened to in 2020, has become my personal mantra six years later. 

Writing News

I mean, I'd say 'see above' for the basic gist. Let's put it this way, if I were a child, and my parents let me have as much screen time as I've had this week, social services would be all over the show. In fact, I've stared at my laptop so much over the past seven days, that I'm going to crack on with this post at super-speed, so that in no time at all, I can be sitting cross-legged with closed eyes, whilst rhythmically rubbing my temples.

Culture

Before I do that, let's finish up here. My brother-in-law recommended You Are Here by David Nicholls and I'm loving it. One Day was the novel that made me want to write novels, and You Are Here has gently dragged me into caring about the lives of people, that a day or two ago, I'd known nothing about. Fab stuff. While that's going on, I'm still trying to finish the old episodes of Hacks before starting the new series, and Taskmaster is back! That's single-handedly un-tensing my shoulders every Thursday night.

Food and Drink

What with being a bit busy recently, I've not had much time for cooking. But! I've realised I have a regular go-to, when time is tight and I can't be arsed. Proper Chips and hummus! There's something about these crisps. They're non-greasy, and very plain. But that's what makes them perfect for scooping up the hummus. It's not an ideal evening meal every night, but for when I'm knackered and annoyed at the indie-publishing biz, it's surprisingly satisfying.

Out and About

Another dentist's appointment, a Wednesday brunch, a food shop, and a nostalgic drive past my old high school when I needed to get out of the house. It's not been the most exciting week but that's the way of it right now.

Right, I apologise for speeding through this update. I need to shut my laptop, breathe deeply, and do something, ANYTHING, other than type words on a screen. Until next time...

...have a lovely week, folks.

Can it Pass Soon, Please?

Hello there. Welcome to another week of 'Will my emails to the indie-publisher's help desk result in a satisfactory resolution to all my issues, or not?' 

Isn't it a ball-ache? Making a book? Life in general? You decide. For example, this is the second blog post I wrote for today. The first was much more triumphalist in tone. I thought I'd cracked it. I thought the book had been accepted and ready for pre-order. But then I checked the draft they'd emailed me, and it wasn't. The front cover looked great. That's the upside. But inside, every page of text was cut off mid-sentence, as if the story was trying to escape the confines of the paper. Sigh. This is where we are now. Still, the woman/chatbot from the help desk is becoming a trusted friend. Onwards.

Innit  STUNNING!?!

Writing News

It's not all doom and gloom. Check this out! If you want your teen novels via a digital medium, you're in luck. Leeza McAuliffe is Branching Out is available for e-book pre-order! Woohoo!

It'll be released on 21st May. That's soon! If you're so inclined, you're more than welcome to pre-order today. Just click the link in the paragraph above. Isn't technology wonderful?! (A-hem... when it works!) Meanwhile, the paperback will be ready... some day! 

I now realise that I've not shown anyone the cover yet. HERE IT IS. Isn't it GORGEOUS. Gary, the friend of a friend who gets mithered by me every couple of years, has done it again. I love it. It's eye catching and lovely and colourful and brilliant and makes me smile whenever I see it. So that's a definite plus, isn't it?

Culture

It's been another week of seeking out distractions to shelve the stress for a bit. I'm now in the middle of series two of This Life, which I love, despite it reminding me how messed up the nineties were. I've also been flying through the books. I've boxed off Alexis Hall's Boyfriend Material, and am in the middle of the sequel, Husband Material. All good fun. 

Hard relate.

On Friday, I escaped to the cinema. I didn't especially care what I watched, I just needed to sit in the dark for a bit. Yeah, I know. Some people have real problems and all my stress is self-indulgent nonsense. Still, I wanted to lose myself in a film. I'm not sure if Glenrothan - two estranged brothers struggling to reconnect amidst a whisky distillery - managed to take me away from 'all this', but it was full of stunning Scottish scenery, so that was nice.

Food and Drink

For fans of closure, you'll be pleased to know that the era of the Mini Egg, as referenced last week, is over. There was a time when I thought it would never end, but here we are. A life lesson right there. It will ALWAYS pass. I'll continue to repeat that mantra at regular intervals while I crack on in the kitchen.

 

Pie number two

This week, I made a pie, twice. Mainly because I made too much filling the first time. Look at its rustic glory! This pie was comprised of green beans, carrots, potatoes, a tin of corned beef*, stock and basic seasoning. I bunged it in a pan and simmered for an hour or so. The resulting mush got covered in pastry, and then ta-dah! A meat and potato pie was born. It wasn't pretty but it tasted great. Both of the times.

Tuesday morning's walk.
Not bad at all.

Out and About

It's been a bumper week of life-admin. An eye test and a dentist appointment all in one week. On Thursday afternoon, after a particularly tense day, I felt the need for a random drive to... anywhere. Hitting the motorway at peak rush hour, I found myself driving into Liverpool. No idea why. With nothing much to do, I parked up, got myself a Joe and the Juice, (Go Away Doc, if you must know) then drove home. An hour and a half's round trip with my music blaring, and a carrot, apple, and ginger  juice to sort me out. What a world, eh?

On we march. Perseverance is the key. Challenges build resilience, etc etc. More next week, yeah, yeah? Cool. See you then.

Have a lovely week, folks.

*I don't eat meat. That's almost true, most of the time. What I don't like, and therefore won't do, is bite into meat that looks like meat; that looks like flesh. No ta to a steak or chicken breast, any sort of roasted meat, or much of what's on a BBQ. A mushy pie filling is an entirely different matter and my inner repulsion-meter barely registers it. FYI.

How Big is YOUR Quiche?..

Oh chocolate, you have broken me.

The Mini Egg bowl - one
week later.

If all the Mini Eggs in the world could just quietly fade into the background and remove themselves from my sight, that would be helpful. I just can't stop popping them into my mouth. Like grapes or Smints, just with a hard sickly shell, it's becoming a real problem. Meanwhile, what with the past week being decidedly non-standard (school holidays, family visits, and a sad-but-lovely friends' gathering) I've not had a balanced meal all week. Is this how you get scurvy? I'm currently craving savoury food that contains nutrients. What have I become? 

The good news is, we've got a few weeks of normality before anything interesting is happening in my life. I shall embrace it wholeheartedly, whilst ignoring all remaining chocolate.

Me, several times a day, right now.

Writing News

Oh man, this indie-publishing lark is mired in stress. I think I'm getting there, but I still have to pause now and then to scream into the void. 

The current problem seems to be getting past the initial automated part of the process. I keep being told via email, that my manuscript's bleed edges are too small. When I check them, they seem bang on. I re-upload the document and wait for it to be bounced back again. We're now at the 'contacting the help desk every couple of days' stage of proceedings. I'll get there, one day. Hopefully soon.

Culture

Meanwhile, in a bid to unwind after a long day of stress, I've been hoovering up some cracking telly.

The reboot of Scrubs feels 
effortlessly done with
 authentically written
characters for twenty
years later. Quite the feat.

Scrubs is back! I loved it then and it's marvellous now. A new series has dropped on Disney and it's great. Next, is Rooster. Steve Carell is a less-Michael Scott version of Michael Scott but this time on a university campus. Also great. Jury Dury Presents: Company Retreat may well be worth your time. If you watched Jury Duty, then this is more of the same. Heartwarming and lovely. Finally, I've started to rewatch all of Hacks. It's been truly necessary to distract and unwind after screaming at my laptop all day.

Thirty centimetres!

Food and Drink

Check out my quiche! I made it for Easter Sunday when assorted family members came over to my place. As the rest of the buffet was comprised of opening packets, I wanted to make one thing that was impressive, hence my quiche. It was sweet potato, feta, and spinach, but that's not what was exciting. What IS worth noting was it had a diameter of thirty centimetres! A mofo! It fed everyone on the day, as well as providing left overs for the week. Hurrah. A quiche win!

Out and About

My thrice-weekly walks are finally becoming pleasant. We're in the tiny window when the icy drizzle of winter is over but the cancerous rays of the sweaty summer sun are yet to materialise. Bright spring days that still require a hoody, are here. I'll take them for now. 

Whether you're actively avoiding sugar-based snacks, or having work-related stress of your own, I hope this is the week it all comes together. Either way, I'll see you here next Monday for a debrief. Good luck to us all.

Have a lovely week, folks.

Ooh Aah, a Little Bit of Nostalgia...

What was YOUR year when everything came together?

Waiting for my 
personality to gel

Do you get what I mean? A year when, without planning it to be so, the disparate aspects of your personality melded together and you emerged into the light like the fledgeling human being you continue to be today? Sorry. It's probably too early for such an existential question. I apologise. I'm not trying to mentally tax you on a Bank Holiday Monday. It's just been on my mind recently. Since January, actually.

Me in January 1996

I didn't know it at the time, but I think 1996 might have been mine; my year when everything made sense. Before that, I was a child, keeping my head down, counting the days til I could leave school, home, and my immature ways behind. Then 1996 happened. It was truly formative. Seriously. Read this rundown of personal hits I experienced and tell me it won't had have an effect. I dare you. 

• I turned eighteen

• I had a cracking 6th form social life

• I got some A levels

• I met the person I would eventually marry

• I left home

• I moved to a town far away

• I made new friends for life. 

All that in one year. What a whirlwind. 1995 was nowhere near as eventful, nor 1997. Like the army slogan almost says, it was 1996 that made me. 

Over the years, I've not given that much thought. Not really. But since this January, it's been on my mind a lot. And why's that? It's because, to my absolute disbelief, 1996 is thirty years old. I know! I can't handle it either.

More me in 1996

The past few months have seen me regularly, yet inadvertently, nudged by the ripples of nostalgia as various anniversaries have popped up. For example, I spent New Year '96 in Clacton. At that point, it was not home to Nigel F*rage, but a boy I really liked. I gave that some thought this year as the clock chimed midnight. Can that really have been thirty years ago? Now, three months later, as I think of that Spring, I remember turning eighteen, having Gina G's Ooh Aah Just a Little Bit playing as a continual ear worm for months, and meeting another boy - actually a man in his twenties - who ended up sticking around. All that in one season. Blimey.

I wanted to live in this house so much.

This is where my nostalgia is up to - the spring of thirty years ago. As this year progresses, I'll be recognising other anniversaries that pop up too. Euro '96,* for example. I was all over it, that summer. In Autumn there'll be memories of moving to Uni and meeting the friends I've still got. Then there are the cultural hits of the day. Did you know that the BBC has added This Life to the iPlayer? It's currently sending me back in time on a nightly basis. If I now watch old episodes of TFI Friday on YouTube or listen to Jagged Little Pill, I'll be fully immersed.

This descent into the past is mostly enjoyable. I'm remembering a personally happy time. Having said that, the rewatch of This Life is reminding me of the cultural and social attitudes of the nineties. It's an honest-to-God time machine that shows how things have definitely got better even when they feel like they've not. The sexism! The homophobia! The racism! All depressingly familiar. Despite that, I like that it reminds me of who I was back then. Pretty similar to who I am now, to be honest. I've just added HRT patches and have less tolerance for bullshit.

2026 me!
With a wonky halo
being present in the pub.

Time flies. Everyone says it, don't they? I've heard that sentiment a million times over the years and I know it to be true in my head. This year, I feel it to be true in my bones. Because if those thirty years have passed quickly, so will the next thirty. If 1996 feels like ten minutes ago, then in ten minutes time it'll be 2056. I'll be seventy-eight, with dodgy knees and a bad back. That's if I'm lucky, of course. Nothing can be taken for granted. A boy from my school year died in 1996. I think of him often but particularly on his birthday, which was last week. Ageing is an absolute privilege so making it to seventy-eight with aches and pains will be amazing. And if I AM that lucky, it'll be here before you know it.

 

Will do, Bradley.

As 2026 progresses, I'm going to lean in. Lean into the memories, the nostalgia, and the formative experiences that made me, me. It's important, however, to stay in control. Nostalgia is a heady drug but it shouldn't stop me from existing in the present. Every day counts, life is for living, and 2056 will be here in no time. Reminiscing can be fun, but living in the moment is the real sustenance. It's the people I know now, the laughter of current relationships, and the fresh air, great meals, and adventures of today that count. That's what provides fuel and nourishment. 

So now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put down my laptop, and enjoy 2026 for a bit. Albeit with Oasis providing the backing track.

Have a lovely week, folks.

*That opening line from Des Lynam gave me chills. All I was looking for was a nice montage of the footy. Couldn't be more perfect.