A Seasonal Logic Puzzle

A dramatic interpretation of 'Watching the News'

These are troubling times. A quick perusal of the nightly headlines has become a stomach-churning affair. The government being found in contempt of parliament, the Mueller investigation gathering pace, the pound dropping like it's hot every time a politician opens their mouth. It is - in the words of Leeza McAuliffe, my new book's heroine - ALL kicking off.*

But these pressing issues aren't what's keeping me awake at night. Not even close. They may cause the odd shudder, or involuntary ejaculation of outrage when the smarmier of politicians' faces pop up on TV, but these problems are not my main concern right now. What IS my biggest headache, is much more important with far greater ramifications.

Readers, it's the Christmas dinner seating plan.

When I started hosting the family Christmas dinner four years ago, there were thirteen adults and one child. With the help of two folding wallpaper tables and an extendable oval dining table, I managed to create a shape large enough for all fourteen bodies to sit around. Mostly comfortably. Obviously, elbow room was limited, and the assortment of dining chairs, garden furniture and swivelly kitchen stools, added an amusing multi-heighted ambience to proceedings. But it was fine. It worked. We could all eat in the same place, at the same time, with as much festive cheer as our slightly cramped surroundings would allow.

Four years ago. Barely any of us there,
 and room for flowers and ev.

This year, through the marvellousness of an expanding family, we're up to sixteen bodies around the table. And herein lies the problem. No matter how many times I try, I cannot squeeze sixteen seats around a table that can only comfortably hold fourteen. It's not really the bodies that's causing the issue, it's the chairs. I can't squeeze any more chairs around the shape. Not one. And the stress of that has been keeping me awake at night. 

For mathsy people, this probably presents as an exciting logic problem. A bit of fun to ponder in a quiet moment. 'Derek** needs to fit sixteen chairs around two rectangles and one oval. Show your workings with diagrams, and what colour are the train driver's eyes?' I am NOT mathsy. I do NOT enjoy a shape puzzle. I want the setting up of the Christmas dinner table to be a five minute job where the biggest hassle is wiping off last year's gravy stains, NOT having to get a pen and paper and SKETCH OUT options. Honestly, I'm too busy for this stress.

In the end, I've had to do just that. The sleepless nights were catching up with me. I couldn't deal with all the uncertainty. With help from the measuring app on my phone, I worked out what space I had, and drew out a variety of table plans that could work. I know you'll be on the edge of your seat by now, so wonder no longer. Here they are...

The winning option

1. Two Long Tables 

By separating out the wallpaper tables into two long lines, both sides of each can be used. Three people can sit along each side, and there are four ends for a seat at each. That makes sixteen I believe. But...some people would have their backs to each other. And we'd all be split over two tables which would be weird.

2. Same As Normal But With A Kids' Table

This would be fine in theory except with the whole space being taken up with the table for fourteen, there is no room for a second little table for two.

3. An L Shape and a Kids' Table

The L shape can seat fourteen and in the inside of the L, there is space for a little table for two. But... no buts! It's the only option!

The 'special' menu

After that dazzling display of logistical problem solving, I messaged my sister. It occurred to me she might be annoyed that her kids weren't sitting with her for Christmas dinner (well I don't know, I'm not a parent!) and I thought I should check it was all right. There was also the worry that the Niece and Neph might take exception to being segregated, and it might cause tantrums and meltdowns. In the end, I was given the green light. Although my sister suggested we should make the kids' table sound like it was an important, exciting, special place to sit. With that in mind, I dusted off my Microsoft Publishing skills (it's been a while since I had to make a worksheet) and whipped up a menu. For the 'special' table. 

And now here we are. My nights can be spent, once again, in the comforting arms of sleep, and I've added and crossed off several things on my To Do list that weren't there last year. But at least I'm not getting preoccupied with Brexit. At least there's always that.

Have a lovely week, folks.

*She says that a lot. Mostly to do with drama with her mates or rows between her mum and grandmother.

** Derek, Judy, any name will do.