39 is the New Fabulous...

This week I turned 39. 

Some people find ageing problematic. I do not. Other people are indifferent. ‘Age is just a number’, they say as they shrug it off. For me, the older I get, the more I understand, the more knowledge I possess, the more experiences - good and bad - I have lived. I like myself more, I know myself better. In addition, I have far less tolerance of dick heads. Win.

The past year has involved the steepest learning curve ever. Like a baby from birth to one, I have learned to smile, sleep through, eat solids, and crawl my way through the self-publishing industry. I am now about to pull myself up to the sofa and have my first bash at walking. Before I get carried away with the clunkiest of metaphors, here are 39 things I have learnt in the past year.

1. Google don’t like being used as a generic term for the verb ‘to search’.
2. Leaving two spaces after a full stop is no longer considered correct. One space only, these days.
3. Copyright law doesn’t affect naming things that simply exist, such as song titles or films.
4. Copyright laws stop existing once the artist has been dead for 70 years.
5. To buy a single ISBN number costs £89.
6. To buy 10 x ISBN numbers costs £149.
7. There is a legal obligation to send the British Library a copy of every book that is physically published. It is called Legal Deposit.
8. Google’s feed manager site, Feedburner, has not been updated since 2012.
9. Adding new features to a blog is not as simple as adding text or pictures to Word. It involves actual code. Who knew?
10. Twitter Analytics show a summary of your monthly Twitter activity and its impact.
11. A picture is worth a thousand words.
12. A gif is worth a thousand pictures.

    

    A home made gif! It is almost seamless.

13. I am content in the knowledge that bodies with poppers, bodycon dresses and anything labelled 'peplum' have been designed for people other than me.
14. To sell via Amazon, you have to complete an online tax questionnaire, otherwise the IRS keep 30% of all your US sales.
15. When in doubt, ask the Internet.
16. The right page of a book is called ‘recto’ and the left page is called ‘verso’.
17. Recto pages have odd numbers, and verso pages have even numbers.
18. Subscription services are a ball ache.
19. Statistics say that Monday morning at 11am is the optimum time for a blog post to be read.
20. My long-term boycott of Amazon, does not stand up to my desire of selling books to the widest possible audience.
21. Uploading a book to Ingram Spark means having an immediate presence on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Waterstones without having to do anything else.
22. A blog needs to be regular and reliable. Three weeks off for Christmas is indulgent. (It won’t happen again.)
23. Finishing a book in 2014 that’s set in 2016 is problematic when the real 2016 saw all the famous people die, and witnessed massive political upheaval in the UK and US. (I sneaked in a Bowie reference and one brief Brexit mention.)

    

    2016 was a busy year for death.
    Source: Consequenceofsound.net

24. Clicking the pilcrow button in the Word toolbar will show all formatting marks.
25. Proof-reading could be done indefinitely and there would still be things to change.
26. Writing an end-of year tribute about your favourite comedian/writer who died in April is a waste of time when a couple of days before you plan to upload it, your favourite pop star/first crush/long-term love of a singer dies and throws every emotion up in the air again. (RIP Victoria Wood and George Michael.)
27. Paying for a professionally designed cover is money well spent.
28. An imprint goes in the place of the publisher’s name.
29. Deciding to be a sole trader means you can avoid the need to set up your publishing company as a new business.
30. US anti-spamming laws require a postal address to be linked to a blog’s subscription sign-form.
31. Bricks and mortar bookshops do not like to buy books that are created by Amazon. It is less problematic for those made by Ingram Spark.
32. Apparently Facebook has more uses than all other social media sites, combined.
33. Explaining to a stranger that you are a writer is much easier when you have an available book to buy.
34. My alcohol intake has increased with the amount of computer code I’ve had to use.
35. The most frequently asked question (about the book) is ‘Is it like Fifty Shades?’
36. The answer to the above question is 'No’.
37. It is very easy to spend an entire working day on Social Media. This isn’t necessarily a bad use of time.
38. The majority of my favourite paperbacks measure 8 x 5 inches.
39. Holding a book with my name on the cover is the best feeling in the world.

Right then Thirties, let’s go out on a high and pack the next twelve months with even more thrillingly beautiful new experiences. Forties, you are going to have a lot to live up to, so get warming up and stretching your muscles now.

Have a great week, folks.

Roll Up, Roll Up...

Right folks, let’s cut to the chase.  You can pre-order Carry the Beautiful on Amazon here. Or here? Or here! Click away now for marvellousness beyond your wildest dreams. Or something like that.

Yes! Can you believe it? Just one teensy click away from nabbing yourself a jolly good read. The Easter break is coming up. What more could you want from a four-day weekend, than chocolate eggs and a hot-off-the-press novel in which to lose yourself. You’ll soon forget yours (and Jesus’) troubles, no worries. 

Pre-orders can be placed now. Publication day is 7^th April 2017.

The last week or so has continued to be both exhilarating and daunting in equal measure. First of all I have an Amazon Author Page. I know! Isn’t that hysterical! Let’s all ROFL together. It’s here, along with a charming photo of myself (that was definitely not the gazillionth photo I had taken after deleting all the others. Not at all. No sirree.)

I also experienced THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD when my paperback proof arrived at my door. I mean, seriously. That was an OMG/WTF/YOLO moment when I HELD MY OWN BOOK IN MY HANDS. It had pages and words, and a weirdly touchable cover. It felt weighty and solid and perfect.

I even read it properly. Every word like I’d never read it before. After months/years of working on a screen, it was suddenly different. I could see things I hadn’t noticed previously. Unfortunately it was at this point that I realised it was not perfect. On approximately the 6^th time of proof-reading the entire novel in the past month, I discovered I overuse commas. Literally. They were strewn about every sentence like I might be trying to win a prize for the highest number. Another re-read later and all erroneous punctuation was removed. A re-upload of the manuscript, and it was all back up to speed. But still.  What is it with me and commas?

Author looks on as small child demonstrates exceptional literary taste.

I now have the old comma-infested book in my handbag. When anyone asks me what I do/what I’m writing/what’s the craic, I will brandish it in their faces, whilst taking great care not to let them see the horrors inside. It has been a much a longer process than I first anticipated. (I was aiming for a pre-Christmas launch date initially. Lolz.) But never fear. We’ve all made it. We’ve come through relatively unscathed and ready to give the next stage our all.

Have a fab week, folks.

What's It All About Then?

Summarising the plot of a novel is tricky. I have several synopses on my hard drive, all at differing lengths and for differing purposes. But a synopsis is not what people want when they ask about my book. What they want is a pithy one-to-two-line teaser. They want to know something basic - the genre or style, and whether it is something they would read.

As hard as summarising all that is, it's also my job to sell it. I need people to want to buy it, regardless of whether it's their usual type of reading matter. So it's with some trepidation I share this blog post with you. I'm going to give a bit more insight into what it's all about, tell you some of the influences I had, as well as the kind of novels it would comfortably nudge up against on a Waterstones bookshelf. Hopefully no one will run for the hills.




What's It's About
Tilda Rudd is struggling to keep it together. Her ordered, calm life has been feeling a bit 'messy' for a while now. It's not a feeling she's comfortable with. As we get to know her, we learn there's a lot of unfinished business from her past that needs closure, although what that is, isn't clear. With encouragement from her less cautious friend, she does some digging and decides to find the answers to her long-held questions.

OK, that was another version of the blurb. Now for some mechanics. This is a novel split between two time periods. Modern-Day-Tilda lives in 2016, works for the Local Council and is married to Mike. Back-in-the-Past-Tilda is in 1996 and studies Geography at Liverpool University. As readers, we are given new layers of information as we jump between both timelines, building up what we eventually know. By the end it all becomes clear. Tilda's, and our own questions, are answered.

Carry the Beautiful is a contemporary novel with witty (I hope) dialogue and authentic voices. It's set in a variety of locations in the North of England, mainly The Lake District, Stockport and York.

Influences
When I'm thinking of new plots or characters, I tend to lean towards film rather than literature in order to form ideas in my mind. My favourite film, Before Sunrise, consists of one long conversation between two people, showing an immediate yet inexplicable connection and attraction. I wanted to create something similar in my own writing. Chapter 17 - the longest in the book - is influenced by that film. Mostly dialogue, it shows two people finding something lovely in each other. Whilst packaged within a bunch of other chapters, plot developments and characters, it is the heart of the story.

I love writers that harness realistic dialogue. Nora Ephron's When Harry Met Sally continues to be a treasure trove of wittily believable conversation. Likewise, and closer to home, Willy Russell shows the mundane drudgery of life in Shirley Valentine - a firm favourite from my teenage years. The idea of losing one's sense of self under societal roles such as 'wife' and 'mother' are explored in all his writing and definitely influenced Carry the Beautiful. Tilda's life has not turned out like she thought it would. She made plans but they came to nothing. She needs to rediscover who she was, what went wrong and why.

The Bookshelf 
A prospective agent asked me to compare my book to others out there, in order to give a sense of how I perceived it. It was well hard (technical term). In the end I came up with the three examples below.




There are similarities to The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. When I'd asked friends and family to read the draft, this book had been the big new release at the time. Several people commented that the suspense built up in a similar way. There were flashbacks that hinted but didn't fully explain. It took time for the relevance of some characters to become clear. (One reader commented that the character of Tilda was more likeable than the central character in The Girl on the Train which meant he cared more about finishing it. I'll take that.)


I also compared myself to David Nicholls and One Day. (Yeah, I know. Check out the absolute arrogance of me.) This was based on feedback from readers though. Honest. One friend said that Carry the Beautiful was reminiscent of One Day, but 'for people of a certain age'. I quite liked that. Like Nicholls' work, it could be described as a coming-of-age story - it's just that it's middle age rather than anything perky and youthful. 

Despite the fact all the blurbs focus on Tilda, there are a range of characters involved in the bigger picture. This is definitely Tilda's story but beyond this book, there are several characters we can return to, several others we can follow as we explore their stories next time. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City novels do this beautifully. An ensemble of characters, each book charts the next stage of their lives, the next part of their stories. I like the idea of returning to the characters in Carry the Beautiful in the future, giving Tilda a break and focusing on some of the other people in the book.

So there we have it. A bit more insight into what's going to be hitting Amazon in less than a month's time. You got that? LESS THAN A MONTH. Holy Moly. It's nearly here.

Have a great week, folks. 

To Sum Up the Last Six Months...

Gird your loins and pull up a chair. Hello there. What follows will seem like a rambling stream of consciousness but don’t be fooled. Look closely and you will see more book information and updates than you can shake a stick at. It's all falling into place, or in the words of Liz Lemon, ’Life is happening’.

A bit of context first. Back in September, I read a bajillion blog posts and websites that talked about Ingram Spark. This is a Print on Demand company, that take your uploaded manuscript and front cover and send it out in book form to anyone who orders it. The book can be sold via Amazon, and they list on bookseller websites too. In theory, this means that anyone can walk into their local Waterstones, ask for my book, and it can be found by their systems and ordered. (I’m not sure I believe that, but the Internet tells me it is so.) 

Ingram Spark had some less positive reviews too. The main complaint from authors is that it is really hard to use. It’s an automated process so no one is there at the end of a phone to help when you are stuck. I thought about it, but decided to go with them regardless. My reasoning in these situations is basic but effective. I passed my driving test despite finding learning to drive difficult. Nothing I want badly enough can be beyond me.

Yeah right. My cocksure bravado was brief. It soon became apparent that Ingram Spark was oh so hard it hurt. In order to prepare my Word Doc to their specifications, I had to understand things like bleed margins, trim and how to embed my fonts. (The downloadable ‘File Creation Guide’ they provided was 35 pages long!) Once again I mithered Google to death and found lots of advice from people who had been there and done that. Joel Friedlander’s The Book Designer website was invaluable. Between his articles and the readers’ comments, I learnt a lot. Also, it transpired that Joel Friedlander sold book layout templates into which I could insert my Word Doc. They were pre-set with Ingram Spark’s specifications and would save me from screaming ‘I hate technology’ into the silent void every few minutes. I chose the Pulp template as it was compatible for ebooks too, and happily paid my $59. 

It’s fair to say the template was a great investment. The process of uploading the Word Doc into it still took some time and could be a bit fiddly, but the guidance used terms I understood - phrases like ‘copy and paste’, ‘highlight’ and ‘insert’. A week or so later, I had a document that had started to look like the inside of a book. That in itself was a pretty good feeling.

The Pulp template from The Book Designer.
It's got chapters and everything.

The next sentence I am about to type will never be able to do justice to the levels of frustration I felt at the time - here goes. It took several more weeks to convert my book’s Word template into a PDF file (which Ingram Spark required) because every time I did, something would change within the layout and I’d have to go back to the template and move things around. A blank page would suddenly show up in the PDF that didn't look like it was in the template. Always at the end of a chapter, I would have to go back to the template, find the place the page had appeared in the PDF, and make sure the page break at the end of the chapter said ‘Section Break (Next Page)’ instead of ‘Section Break (Odd Page)’ and then re-save as a PDF once again. For a long while, every time I did that, a different issue would then appear in the new PDF, and the tinkering and re-saving process would happen again. This went on for quite some time and even remembering it now makes me want to have a lie down or eat a biscuit.  Or both.

Around this time I started chatting to my man at Portal – Design & Illustration about the front cover. Ideas and drafts of potential designs started being emailed between us over the weeks that followed. I was working on the interior file, he was working on the cover, and when both were ready, I could go ahead and upload.

Right. There’s the context. Now for the events of the past ten days. I know! We haven’t even got to the bloody updates yet. I fully understand if you need a toilet break or short nap before continuing. Do what you need to do, and we can regroup in a bit.

All back? Grand. Let’s continue.

The first thing that happened last week was that the front cover of Carry the Beautiful was finished. All complete with spine and back cover, and fully formatted to the Ingram Spark demands. I uploaded it to their website, and with a little bit of tension, waited to see it was all OK. It was! The front cover was accepted and was good to go. (Clearly the benefit of having a professional do it. Thank you, Portal – Design & Illustration!) It was now all left to the interior document. By this point I had played about with the template so many times, I had no idea if it still conformed to the Ingram Spark standards. I fully expected it to be rejected straight away, with a whole list of formatting issues to amend. But here’s the thing - it was accepted! I, Nicky Bond, with only grade 2 cello to my name*, had created a properly formatted manuscript that was now ready to print. It was 5pm and I had just made a cup of tea when I got the confirmation email. I did the only thing I could think of to celebrate. I found the dregs of an open bottle of Prosecco in the fridge and swigged away, as I silently congratulated myself on what IT literate people would presumably describe as ‘a piece of piss’.

*I do have some other qualifications, but they have been as equally useless as my cello skills during this whole process.

1. This was the moment of dual drink celebration.
2. Check out my dough proving in the background.
3. I am not 40, I just like that mug.

Ingram Spark was pretty much finished with now. They emailed me a proof to edit, which I did. (Obviously I found typos, because that is the law. There will always be typos.) Now it is waiting game for them to say when it is available via their distribution channels, i.e Amazon. 

They also asked me to choose a publication date. Apparently it can take a month or so to appear for sale, so I looked at the calendar and randomly picked the 7^th April. I’ll just repeat that for everyone - CARRY THE BEAUTIFUL IS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE ON THE 7^TH APRIL 2017. A date for everybody’s diary, there.

With the print version in hand, the next stage was the ebook. In contrast, this was a doddle and done within minutes. I uploaded my book template to Kindle Direct Publishing (Amazon’s digital publishing arm) and they converted it into the appropriate type of file. It was accepted, although quite sweetly they pointed out potential spelling mistakes it may contain. Most of these were not mistakes, rather onomatopoeic words - for example ‘bleugh’ - but it was nice that they did this, and gave me the chance to edit. I also had to upload a jpeg of my cover (no spine and back required now) and that was that. They then sent me a link to download a preview of the ebook.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not really an ebook type of person. Paper books are my preferred method of literary consumption. Yet look at the first page of Chapter One. This is what it will look like on your e-reader!

Zoom in closer for a sneak preview.

It was another moment in the midst of all the technological headaches that made me think, ‘Wow, shit just got real’. Sadly there was no flat Prosesso lying around that day so I just had to smile to myself a lot.

And so here we are. The last few days have been spent with me trying to write an author bio for Amazon that doesn’t make it sound like I have died. (‘Born in Liverpool in 1978…’ is the start of a paragraph that can’t end well.) I’ve also got a few more things to sort with how and where the paper version gets distributed.**

If you made it to the end of this particular ramble with me, many thanks. There were a lot of not necessarily interesting things to share, but after months (years?) of it all plodding along at a slower rate, it's super-duper to feel like it's happening now. Let’s all be upstanding and raise a glass of flat Prosecco to perseverance, bloody-mindedness and over-long blog posts.

Have a great week, folks.

 **If you are reading this to get tips on what to do (God help you, there are better sources of info out there), I’m looking at using Createspace alongside IS, as that seems to ensure constant availability. However, this article was invaluable in helping me understand which POD company to use and when.  Also, it's UK focused. A lot of information I've used is US based. This is not always a problem, but it needs bearing in mind depending on your location.