Roll Up, Roll Up...

Right folks, let’s cut to the chase.  You can pre-order Carry the Beautiful on Amazon here. Or here? Or here! Click away now for marvellousness beyond your wildest dreams. Or something like that.

Yes! Can you believe it? Just one teensy click away from nabbing yourself a jolly good read. The Easter break is coming up. What more could you want from a four-day weekend, than chocolate eggs and a hot-off-the-press novel in which to lose yourself. You’ll soon forget yours (and Jesus’) troubles, no worries. 

Pre-orders can be placed now. Publication day is 7^th April 2017.

The last week or so has continued to be both exhilarating and daunting in equal measure. First of all I have an Amazon Author Page. I know! Isn’t that hysterical! Let’s all ROFL together. It’s here, along with a charming photo of myself (that was definitely not the gazillionth photo I had taken after deleting all the others. Not at all. No sirree.)

I also experienced THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD when my paperback proof arrived at my door. I mean, seriously. That was an OMG/WTF/YOLO moment when I HELD MY OWN BOOK IN MY HANDS. It had pages and words, and a weirdly touchable cover. It felt weighty and solid and perfect.

I even read it properly. Every word like I’d never read it before. After months/years of working on a screen, it was suddenly different. I could see things I hadn’t noticed previously. Unfortunately it was at this point that I realised it was not perfect. On approximately the 6^th time of proof-reading the entire novel in the past month, I discovered I overuse commas. Literally. They were strewn about every sentence like I might be trying to win a prize for the highest number. Another re-read later and all erroneous punctuation was removed. A re-upload of the manuscript, and it was all back up to speed. But still.  What is it with me and commas?

Author looks on as small child demonstrates exceptional literary taste.

I now have the old comma-infested book in my handbag. When anyone asks me what I do/what I’m writing/what’s the craic, I will brandish it in their faces, whilst taking great care not to let them see the horrors inside. It has been a much a longer process than I first anticipated. (I was aiming for a pre-Christmas launch date initially. Lolz.) But never fear. We’ve all made it. We’ve come through relatively unscathed and ready to give the next stage our all.

Have a fab week, folks.

What's It All About Then?

Summarising the plot of a novel is tricky. I have several synopses on my hard drive, all at differing lengths and for differing purposes. But a synopsis is not what people want when they ask about my book. What they want is a pithy one-to-two-line teaser. They want to know something basic - the genre or style, and whether it is something they would read.

As hard as summarising all that is, it's also my job to sell it. I need people to want to buy it, regardless of whether it's their usual type of reading matter. So it's with some trepidation I share this blog post with you. I'm going to give a bit more insight into what it's all about, tell you some of the influences I had, as well as the kind of novels it would comfortably nudge up against on a Waterstones bookshelf. Hopefully no one will run for the hills.




What's It's About
Tilda Rudd is struggling to keep it together. Her ordered, calm life has been feeling a bit 'messy' for a while now. It's not a feeling she's comfortable with. As we get to know her, we learn there's a lot of unfinished business from her past that needs closure, although what that is, isn't clear. With encouragement from her less cautious friend, she does some digging and decides to find the answers to her long-held questions.

OK, that was another version of the blurb. Now for some mechanics. This is a novel split between two time periods. Modern-Day-Tilda lives in 2016, works for the Local Council and is married to Mike. Back-in-the-Past-Tilda is in 1996 and studies Geography at Liverpool University. As readers, we are given new layers of information as we jump between both timelines, building up what we eventually know. By the end it all becomes clear. Tilda's, and our own questions, are answered.

Carry the Beautiful is a contemporary novel with witty (I hope) dialogue and authentic voices. It's set in a variety of locations in the North of England, mainly The Lake District, Stockport and York.

Influences
When I'm thinking of new plots or characters, I tend to lean towards film rather than literature in order to form ideas in my mind. My favourite film, Before Sunrise, consists of one long conversation between two people, showing an immediate yet inexplicable connection and attraction. I wanted to create something similar in my own writing. Chapter 17 - the longest in the book - is influenced by that film. Mostly dialogue, it shows two people finding something lovely in each other. Whilst packaged within a bunch of other chapters, plot developments and characters, it is the heart of the story.

I love writers that harness realistic dialogue. Nora Ephron's When Harry Met Sally continues to be a treasure trove of wittily believable conversation. Likewise, and closer to home, Willy Russell shows the mundane drudgery of life in Shirley Valentine - a firm favourite from my teenage years. The idea of losing one's sense of self under societal roles such as 'wife' and 'mother' are explored in all his writing and definitely influenced Carry the Beautiful. Tilda's life has not turned out like she thought it would. She made plans but they came to nothing. She needs to rediscover who she was, what went wrong and why.

The Bookshelf 
A prospective agent asked me to compare my book to others out there, in order to give a sense of how I perceived it. It was well hard (technical term). In the end I came up with the three examples below.




There are similarities to The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. When I'd asked friends and family to read the draft, this book had been the big new release at the time. Several people commented that the suspense built up in a similar way. There were flashbacks that hinted but didn't fully explain. It took time for the relevance of some characters to become clear. (One reader commented that the character of Tilda was more likeable than the central character in The Girl on the Train which meant he cared more about finishing it. I'll take that.)


I also compared myself to David Nicholls and One Day. (Yeah, I know. Check out the absolute arrogance of me.) This was based on feedback from readers though. Honest. One friend said that Carry the Beautiful was reminiscent of One Day, but 'for people of a certain age'. I quite liked that. Like Nicholls' work, it could be described as a coming-of-age story - it's just that it's middle age rather than anything perky and youthful. 

Despite the fact all the blurbs focus on Tilda, there are a range of characters involved in the bigger picture. This is definitely Tilda's story but beyond this book, there are several characters we can return to, several others we can follow as we explore their stories next time. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City novels do this beautifully. An ensemble of characters, each book charts the next stage of their lives, the next part of their stories. I like the idea of returning to the characters in Carry the Beautiful in the future, giving Tilda a break and focusing on some of the other people in the book.

So there we have it. A bit more insight into what's going to be hitting Amazon in less than a month's time. You got that? LESS THAN A MONTH. Holy Moly. It's nearly here.

Have a great week, folks. 

To Sum Up the Last Six Months...

Gird your loins and pull up a chair. Hello there. What follows will seem like a rambling stream of consciousness but don’t be fooled. Look closely and you will see more book information and updates than you can shake a stick at. It's all falling into place, or in the words of Liz Lemon, ’Life is happening’.

A bit of context first. Back in September, I read a bajillion blog posts and websites that talked about Ingram Spark. This is a Print on Demand company, that take your uploaded manuscript and front cover and send it out in book form to anyone who orders it. The book can be sold via Amazon, and they list on bookseller websites too. In theory, this means that anyone can walk into their local Waterstones, ask for my book, and it can be found by their systems and ordered. (I’m not sure I believe that, but the Internet tells me it is so.) 

Ingram Spark had some less positive reviews too. The main complaint from authors is that it is really hard to use. It’s an automated process so no one is there at the end of a phone to help when you are stuck. I thought about it, but decided to go with them regardless. My reasoning in these situations is basic but effective. I passed my driving test despite finding learning to drive difficult. Nothing I want badly enough can be beyond me.

Yeah right. My cocksure bravado was brief. It soon became apparent that Ingram Spark was oh so hard it hurt. In order to prepare my Word Doc to their specifications, I had to understand things like bleed margins, trim and how to embed my fonts. (The downloadable ‘File Creation Guide’ they provided was 35 pages long!) Once again I mithered Google to death and found lots of advice from people who had been there and done that. Joel Friedlander’s The Book Designer website was invaluable. Between his articles and the readers’ comments, I learnt a lot. Also, it transpired that Joel Friedlander sold book layout templates into which I could insert my Word Doc. They were pre-set with Ingram Spark’s specifications and would save me from screaming ‘I hate technology’ into the silent void every few minutes. I chose the Pulp template as it was compatible for ebooks too, and happily paid my $59. 

It’s fair to say the template was a great investment. The process of uploading the Word Doc into it still took some time and could be a bit fiddly, but the guidance used terms I understood - phrases like ‘copy and paste’, ‘highlight’ and ‘insert’. A week or so later, I had a document that had started to look like the inside of a book. That in itself was a pretty good feeling.

The Pulp template from The Book Designer.
It's got chapters and everything.

The next sentence I am about to type will never be able to do justice to the levels of frustration I felt at the time - here goes. It took several more weeks to convert my book’s Word template into a PDF file (which Ingram Spark required) because every time I did, something would change within the layout and I’d have to go back to the template and move things around. A blank page would suddenly show up in the PDF that didn't look like it was in the template. Always at the end of a chapter, I would have to go back to the template, find the place the page had appeared in the PDF, and make sure the page break at the end of the chapter said ‘Section Break (Next Page)’ instead of ‘Section Break (Odd Page)’ and then re-save as a PDF once again. For a long while, every time I did that, a different issue would then appear in the new PDF, and the tinkering and re-saving process would happen again. This went on for quite some time and even remembering it now makes me want to have a lie down or eat a biscuit.  Or both.

Around this time I started chatting to my man at Portal – Design & Illustration about the front cover. Ideas and drafts of potential designs started being emailed between us over the weeks that followed. I was working on the interior file, he was working on the cover, and when both were ready, I could go ahead and upload.

Right. There’s the context. Now for the events of the past ten days. I know! We haven’t even got to the bloody updates yet. I fully understand if you need a toilet break or short nap before continuing. Do what you need to do, and we can regroup in a bit.

All back? Grand. Let’s continue.

The first thing that happened last week was that the front cover of Carry the Beautiful was finished. All complete with spine and back cover, and fully formatted to the Ingram Spark demands. I uploaded it to their website, and with a little bit of tension, waited to see it was all OK. It was! The front cover was accepted and was good to go. (Clearly the benefit of having a professional do it. Thank you, Portal – Design & Illustration!) It was now all left to the interior document. By this point I had played about with the template so many times, I had no idea if it still conformed to the Ingram Spark standards. I fully expected it to be rejected straight away, with a whole list of formatting issues to amend. But here’s the thing - it was accepted! I, Nicky Bond, with only grade 2 cello to my name*, had created a properly formatted manuscript that was now ready to print. It was 5pm and I had just made a cup of tea when I got the confirmation email. I did the only thing I could think of to celebrate. I found the dregs of an open bottle of Prosecco in the fridge and swigged away, as I silently congratulated myself on what IT literate people would presumably describe as ‘a piece of piss’.

*I do have some other qualifications, but they have been as equally useless as my cello skills during this whole process.

1. This was the moment of dual drink celebration.
2. Check out my dough proving in the background.
3. I am not 40, I just like that mug.

Ingram Spark was pretty much finished with now. They emailed me a proof to edit, which I did. (Obviously I found typos, because that is the law. There will always be typos.) Now it is waiting game for them to say when it is available via their distribution channels, i.e Amazon. 

They also asked me to choose a publication date. Apparently it can take a month or so to appear for sale, so I looked at the calendar and randomly picked the 7^th April. I’ll just repeat that for everyone - CARRY THE BEAUTIFUL IS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE ON THE 7^TH APRIL 2017. A date for everybody’s diary, there.

With the print version in hand, the next stage was the ebook. In contrast, this was a doddle and done within minutes. I uploaded my book template to Kindle Direct Publishing (Amazon’s digital publishing arm) and they converted it into the appropriate type of file. It was accepted, although quite sweetly they pointed out potential spelling mistakes it may contain. Most of these were not mistakes, rather onomatopoeic words - for example ‘bleugh’ - but it was nice that they did this, and gave me the chance to edit. I also had to upload a jpeg of my cover (no spine and back required now) and that was that. They then sent me a link to download a preview of the ebook.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not really an ebook type of person. Paper books are my preferred method of literary consumption. Yet look at the first page of Chapter One. This is what it will look like on your e-reader!

Zoom in closer for a sneak preview.

It was another moment in the midst of all the technological headaches that made me think, ‘Wow, shit just got real’. Sadly there was no flat Prosesso lying around that day so I just had to smile to myself a lot.

And so here we are. The last few days have been spent with me trying to write an author bio for Amazon that doesn’t make it sound like I have died. (‘Born in Liverpool in 1978…’ is the start of a paragraph that can’t end well.) I’ve also got a few more things to sort with how and where the paper version gets distributed.**

If you made it to the end of this particular ramble with me, many thanks. There were a lot of not necessarily interesting things to share, but after months (years?) of it all plodding along at a slower rate, it's super-duper to feel like it's happening now. Let’s all be upstanding and raise a glass of flat Prosecco to perseverance, bloody-mindedness and over-long blog posts.

Have a great week, folks.

 **If you are reading this to get tips on what to do (God help you, there are better sources of info out there), I’m looking at using Createspace alongside IS, as that seems to ensure constant availability. However, this article was invaluable in helping me understand which POD company to use and when.  Also, it's UK focused. A lot of information I've used is US based. This is not always a problem, but it needs bearing in mind depending on your location.

Operation 'Turn That Frown Upside Down'

The good thing about articles that start, ‘In the midst of all this terrible news, here are some things to be cheerful about’ is that the list is always changing and never ending. Last time I felt the urge to buoy up myself, and the world because of current events, I started with the pleasure of watching Netflix’s The Crown. (You can remind yourself here if you feel the need.) That was ages ago. Now? Who knows what it would be? Who knows what cheerful distractions I would put on a list to gee us all up in these dark, dangerous times. Well the answer is simple. You. You know, or at least you will if you keep reading, because I am about to tell you.

So without further preamble, and like so many before me, in the midst of all this terrible news, here are some things to be cheerful about.

1.CHEESE TOASTIES

Click on this link now. Right now. I promise it’s not a scam. Do it. ISN’T IT BEAUTIFUL? 

Now this is what I am talking about. This is my kind of porn. LOOK AT THE OOZING CHEESE!! I’m not London-based, but if I lived anywhere near Leather Lane, I’d struggle not to shovel one of these in my gob every time I walked past. Hello Grill My Cheese, you marvellous beast. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I call this 'Laughing Cow and Vegemite 
on Milk Roll'. Nigella must be bricking it.  

2. NEW SLIPPERS

I recently lost my slippers. Actually, not true. I recently lost my favourite slippers and didn’t want to have to resort to any of the other five pairs I have on the go. (They just aren’t as comfy). Rather than looking for the lovely lost ones, I ended up buying these bad boys. Even though it was a waste of money (although Tesco isn’t exactly Harrods) I feel all cheery and uplifted for them being in my life. It’s the small things. 

They have ears.
What more do you need?

3. SISTERLY SOLIDARITY

The world has gone mad. People are being attacked and discriminated against left, right, and centre, and the minute Brexit comes up in a convo, a deathly hush descends as people try to work out which side of the cavernous divide everyone falls on. Yet in the midst of all this, here is something marvellous to do. Buy some sanitary towels for refugees! Aunt Flo turns up on a monthly basis, regardless of having to leave your home and flee for your life. (Aunt Flo is a frickin' biyatch, btw.)  Bloody Good Period have made this simple.  They’ve set up a link to Amazon so all you need to do is decide how much you want to spend and send it to the address they have added. It is ridiculously easy, as cheap as you want to make it, and genuinely useful. 

Why I have a fishmonger's storage box in my
downstairs loo is anyone's guess.  

4. ARMCHAIR ACTIVISM

Following on from charitable donations, a bit of armchair activism can help dissuade the frustrated feeling to take root. Online petitions can make a difference, even it only means you’ve had your say on something you feel strongly about. Boycotting businesses that don’t support your beliefs won’t necessarily bring them to bankruptcy but will aid a good night’s sleep. Then there’s the odd gentle march here and there. As slated as the Twitter echo chamber is, seeing like-minded people share views similar to your own, can remind you you’re not alone.  Get involved!  Get involved in anything – whatever rocks your boat.

Liverpool's protest against
Trump's Muslin ban - 30.1.17

      5. BOX SET BRILLIANCE

   Let’s move on to some escapism. Netflix currently have two series of Tina Fey and Robert Carlin’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and it is joyous. Funny, disarmingly clever when you don’t realise, and an obvious baby sister to the razor-sharp 30 Rock. Moving on, Netflix have just added The People v OJ Simpson which, when it aired on BBC2 last year, blew my mind. It felt like a soap opera until it became clear everything depicted happened for real. And in other news, I just bought all three series (and additional Xmas special) of Last Tango in Halifax. Every episode is a master class in writing and acting perfection. 

Sally Wainwright's writing makes
everything feel all right.

6. MARIAN KEYES’ VLOG

I love Marian Keyes. I love her books, I love her tweets and I love her vlog. There is nothing cheerier - literally nothing - than clicking play and hearing about her week. Whether it’s a new jumper, what she’s watching on TV at the moment, or the escapades of her nieces and nephews, she makes the most mundane of details utterly hilarious. She is defo on my list of ‘Women I Need to Befriend.’

A selection of Marian's books. I call her
Marian because in my head we are bezzies.

7. SET A DATE

There are two reasons to use a calendar. One is to keep track of where you need to be and when. The other is to make exciting plans that you can look forward to. Whether it is a holiday, a family do, or a planned lazy day, the delayed gratification can be as sweet as the event itself. As I type, I have an evening out with friends tomorrow. It's been in the diary since Christmas and I CANNOT WAIT. I’d have missed out on all this anticipation if we'd sorted it a couple of days ago. So make a plan. Arrange a date. Get excited.  

October needs to be filled.
I shall make plans forthwith.

Right, mission accomplished. I’ve now raised everyone’s spirits. Feeling uplifted? Of course you are. Top stuff. And on that note, I need to make a cheese toastie and finish Last Tango.  

Enjoy the week, folks.