Last Monday night, I was watching TV. It was late so I was in my scruffs - baggy trousers, a T-shirt, and bare feet. At one point, I paused the TV action for a quick wee, before coming back to the lounge. As I resumed my seat on the couch, I crossed my legs underneath me. That's when I felt it. My foot was wet. Had I walked in a random puddle on the floor? Had the water splashed from the sink? Had I inadvertently pissed myself? I didn't know. I wriggled a bit, trying to dry the outside of my foot on the couch without paying too much attention. It remained wet. What on earth could it be? In the end I uncrossed my legs to check it out. That's when I saw. Underneath my ankle, on the seat by my arse, was a slug. A LARGE AS LIFE, COCKY BASTARD, HOME-INVADING SLUG.
Immediately, I recognised this was the worst day of my life. Slugs are bad enough in the garden, so when they TOUCH MY FOOT while I'm trying to watch television, I'm pretty disgusted. I made my feelings known immediately. That consisted of shouting to my partner on the other side of the room. In that moment, we both realised he would not do well in a crisis. He looked confused, dithered a bit, and asked more questions than were necessary. When I eventually managed to alert him to the (approximately 5cm long) BEAST on the cushion - he scrabbled about for a tissue before taking it outside. It's useful to know now, that in the event of a lesser disaster - like a meteorite squashing the house, or a nuclear explosion eliminating all humankind - he's not someone to call upon.
The main question that lingers is, where did it come from? Was it chilling in the bathroom when my pants pooled by my ankles? Did it cling to the bottom of a trouser leg as I walked back into the lounge? Was it on the floor by the settee? Did I energetically sweep it up as I settled back into my 'child in assembly' sitting position? These questions remain unanswered.
What follows is an update about the rest of my week, but to be honest, it's been a blur. All I can think about is the grossest, grimmest, most disgusting experience of my actual entire life. But look, don't let me stop you. By all means crack on and read what else I've been up to. I'll be over here hyperventilating while you do.
In a bid to give myself a break from the longest editing period in history, I did my accounts. That means going over my paperwork from April 2022 to April 2023 and screen-shotting all my earnings. Lolz. That made for a depressing few hours. During the financial years that I have a new book out, it feels lovely and productive. In the fallow in-between years, it's a sobering experience. Hey ho. Swings and roundabouts. Leeza McAuliffe Book 2 (working title) is on its way.
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| This guy (Rodger Corser) is The Traitors Australia's version of Claudia Winkleman. |
Culture
Despite the horrors of Monday night, I managed to distract myself with The Traitors, Australia. It's such a clever trick. I can't abide reality TV and am so over the 'vote one person out an episode' format, yet here I am. Obsessed with the concept, and desperate to watch every episode as soon as possible. The Traitors - whether it's the UK, US, or Australian version, absolutely sucks me in. It's on BBC iPlayer as we speak and you could do a lot worse than fill your eyeballs with it this instant. In bigger culture news, I watched the Barbie movie this weekend. I never had Barbies, I wasn't into dolls for long, and I can't stand pink... but it was fantastic. Greta Gerwig remains my favourite director. Anything she does is brilliant. Forget Barbie dolls. If you liked Lady Bird and Little Women, you'll like this, regardless of your feelings about the toy in question.
Food and Drink
The place I go for weekly brunch does something marvellous with mushrooms. I've never worked it out. They exude umami in every bite and I can't get enough of them. In order to work out how they achieve this, I did some experimenting. I tried a few methods - salt, Vegemite, soy sauce - but the nearest I've got was when I soaked the raw mushrooms in a splash of cold water and Bisto before cooking. They sort of caramelised and had a - you guessed it - Bisto taste. I never said this section would be all three course meals and fancy dining. Sometimes, you've got to roll up your sleeves and do some mushroom science.
The place I go for weekly brunch does something marvellous with mushrooms. I've never worked it out. They exude umami in every bite and I can't get enough of them. In order to work out how they achieve this, I did some experimenting. I tried a few methods - salt, Vegemite, soy sauce - but the nearest I've got was when I soaked the raw mushrooms in a splash of cold water and Bisto before cooking. They sort of caramelised and had a - you guessed it - Bisto taste. I never said this section would be all three course meals and fancy dining. Sometimes, you've got to roll up your sleeves and do some mushroom science.
Out and About
I've got my walking stride back on. In the last couple of weeks I've done circuits of my local park (1.7 miles away), the park near my first childhood home (11 miles way) and the park where I did my latter-day lockdown walks once the repeated circuit by my house drove me mad (8 miles away.) Either way, I'm quite enjoying it. In related news, I recently got new trainers. The cushiony-soft instep gives my naturally lethargic nature, some much needed oomph.
So there we have it. That's my week. All that's left to do is burn down my house. Or chop off my foot. One or both should help excise last Monday's memory from my mind. Meanwhile...
So there we have it. That's my week. All that's left to do is burn down my house. Or chop off my foot. One or both should help excise last Monday's memory from my mind. Meanwhile...
...have a lovely week, folks.
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