A Monday Morning Morsel...

Morning all. You find me exhausted after a social whirl of a weekend. (Shoutout and congrats to Martin and Claire, and their excellent wedding weekend!) Whilst I'm spending the day restoring my energy with strong tea and PJs, I cannot shirk my Monday morning duties without putting something, anything, out there. Imagine the disappointment if I forgot. Can you even?

So here you go. Consider it a freebie. An amuse bouche. Here's the opening of Chapter One of Assembling the Wingpeople. Want to know what happened to Tilda after Carry the Beautiful? Wonder no more. (No worries if you're coming to this fresh. It'll all make sense, regardless.) And remember, if you like what you read and want to find out the rest of her story, you only need to click here to pre-order. 

So there we go. A little taste to whet your appetite. If you liked that, I can promise you, it ONLY gets better. So, click here, or here to pre-order, or here if you are in the US. I'm still waiting for it to be available on Bookshop.org, Waterstones, and Foyles but when it is, I'll alert the world via my socials. Until then, happy pre-ordering. 

Have a lovely week, folks.

Embracing the Scathed...

A few weeks ago, I was listening to a podcast interview* with Mona Eltahawy. Three minutes in, when describing her short, grey buzzcut, she said, 

'...I had fire red hair for eight years and I thought I don't want to emerge from this pandemic looking just like I always did, as if there's a - quote unquote - 'going back to normal'. Because there is no normal. Fuck normal... I want to come out looking scathed. Because we all have to be scathed because that's the only way that we can dismantle the fuckery of the normal that bought us to this awful stage in our history.'

Blonde and grey
hybrid at the front.

I was driving so couldn't clap or whoop, but I got it. I was the woman who coped with the restrictions of March 2020 by bleaching the front part of my hair. It made sense at the time. There was nothing to look good - or even sane - for. It was the time to be a reckless risk taker. If my hair fell out or turned green, it wouldn't matter a jot. To emerge from COVID looking like the boxed-dye brunette I'd been for approximately a decade before that, felt a backwards step. The world was different. I was different. I should reflect that in some tangible way.

An unintentional
 negative.

But fast-forward to last Thursday and for the first time in fifteen months, I found myself slapping on a box of gunk and returning to type. Yep, brunette Bond was back. The reasons why are fairly dull. Mainly because it was going to be a really long time before the bleach grew out, and I have a wedding to attend next week. I could fully commit to more bleach or cover the whole lot brown. Needs must. I opened that box of Dark Brown Garnier Nutrisse and slathered it on my head. And now I feel like a fraud.

It looks fine, so that's good. But it also - according to people who've seen me in the flesh - makes me look younger, and thinner. Let's LOL at this together, because I am neither of those things. Older, bigger, perhaps even wiser. And definitely scathed. Not in an irreparable, catastrophic way, but still different from the March 2020 version of me. It would be weird if I wasn't. And yet I dyed my hair back, to match the before times. Strange, huh.

One day, I will also get an
undercut. FYI.

So what? Who cares? Get over yourself! Yeah, all of the above. I'm not crying in a corner because my insides feel different from the way my hair looks. All I'm saying is the world has changed, whether we like it or not. And I get full-on joy when I see how other people are emerging from lockdown in fresh new ways. Dawn French shared her lighter brown hair on Twitter and revealed an undercut. It rocks. Sali Hughes wrote recently about dyeing her hair grey to hasten the process that had already started. It looks amazing. It makes sense for people's outward appearance to reflect change. The fact that it's society as a whole that has changed, doesn't alter that fact.

Click here for all your needs.

In Assembling the Wingpeople (pre-order here) the characters are going through some stuff. Tilda is dealing with the end of her marriage. Bea's menopause is causing her to question every choice she makes, and Stewart is bereaved and struggling. If the lessons of the pandemic had been clear to me before writing, I imagine I'd have made more of the physical changes that their situations would have brought. I think I mention Stewart letting his beard grow straggly. And at one point, Bea changes her entire wardrobe, albeit for reasons other than trauma. Either way, it's something to remember for the next book.

Hey there!

I'll get used to my old new-brown hair. But even with that backward step, I've got the wider changes of society to remind me and reflect what's gone on. My mask is now a handbag staple. I find outdoor venues preferable even when there's a stiff breeze (although hayfever needs to do one) and I can't remember a time when I didn't sanitise my hands as I entered a shop. Even Marksies, with its strong floral hand-gel that gets on my throat. (In the future, I'll smell lavender and immediately crave a hand crafted, hog roasted, sausage roll.) I imagine those features of pandemic life will continue for some time. Seasonally at the very least. Tangible reminders that things are different now. We've seen some shit. We've come through a historic event. We've emerged, scathed. We all have to be scathed. But how lucky we are that we get to be. Scathed, that is. We've come through it, we're getting back out there, we've got friends, and family, and lives to live. Hair colour doesn't really matter when you look at it like that.

Have a lovely week, folks.

*The Shift (on life after 40) with Sam Baker.

Episode broadcast 18/5/21

About half an hour after writing this whole thing and walking away, making a cup of tea, and thinking about a load of other stuff, it's just hit me. Embracing the Scathed would have been the perfect title for Assembling the Wingpeople. FFS.

Pre-order My Book of the Year...

Right, let's cut to the chase, gang. Assembling the Wingpeople is pre-orderable now. Wooooohoooooooo!

I've been holding off until it's appeared on as any sites as possible, but that's taking too long and I can't wait anymore. Especially as most people will get it from the massive site that everyone knows, and it's been on there a couple of weeks.

So, pre-order my book of the year here, or here if you are in the UK. And from here if you're in the US. If you want to support independent booksellers, use Hive and add it to your wishlist, or wait until nearer October and order then. I'm keeping my eye on the Bookshop.org to find out when it makes it way over there as well as everywhere else. Rest assured I'll be reminding you at regular intervals. 

Here's those details again in case you scrolled past them first time round.

Assembling the Wingpeople is available from...
Amazon
The Book Depository
Barnes and Noble
and can be added to your Hive wishlist.

When you pre-order, I'll be doing
this. Picture me in your head.
Go on.

I've sat in front of two separate friends in the past week, who've got on their phones and ordered it before my very eyes, and I can't tell you how gratifying that was. Just because I can't see you, won't lessen the thrill. Trust me. Pre-order today, and I'll be forever grateful. Make the past two years of my life have been for something. Justify my existence. Use your power for good.

It's a short but sweet ramble this week as I'm spent from all the begging. (And this is only the start. I'll be utterly exhausted by October.) Pre-order my book and make all my dreams come true. Or something. I'd be well chuffed with you. Promise.

Have a lovely week, folks.

Clearing the Brain Fog, One Task at a Time...

Defo had my fingers
crossed when I typed the
 opening lines.

Hurrah for the summer! How marvellous to have such tropical weather! Isn't everything lovelier now it's warm?

Regular readers of this blog will know everything I just wrote is bollocks. I hate summer, the heat is stifling, and I long for an evening that requires a log fire and jumper rather than one needing every window open, enabling the local flies to interrupt my sleep for weeks on end. But still. This is where we're at. I'm dealing with it.

Oh look, it's me in the summer.

Everyone else in the country, it seems, is far perkier about the sunshine than me, so fair play. Crack on and live your best life. My problem with the heat is that not only does my body feel sluggish, but my brain too. I find all mental processes take longer - whether that's realising I need to scratch the itch on my arm, to responding to emails, or creating literary magic. (Assembling the Wingpeople - pre-orderable at an online bookshop near you soon. Happily completed before the hot weather arrived.)

But look, you know this about me. And if you know it, then I certainly do. This is my 44th summer on the planet and I'm used to dealing with my foggy faculties. To help myself function over the coming weeks, I need my brain to keep ticking over. I need an array of mental workouts to fight the fog and get the gears grinding at more than a glacial pace. So in no particular order, here's my list of brain-enhancing activities with which to start the day. Some people have coffee, some people do yoga, I do... this sort of thing.

Pssst... here are Friday's answers. 
Keep them to yourself. 

Guardian crossword

Other crossword providers are available but this is my preferred version. None of your cryptic nonsense here. Just old fashioned, bog-standard, daily crossword fun. Obviously I cheat most days and use the REVEAL button on the clues I can't get, but it's mostly doable. And the archive that goes back years is available too. Crosswording fun for as long as you want it.

Fifteen minutes and a hundred and
ninety-seven countries to type.

Name All the Countries

This is possibly my greatest achievement. Forget writing novels or passing my driving test, this is what I want on my grave. I can name every country in the world in under fifteen minutes. Sometimes I manage it in ten. I should make clear however, that this was not an overnight job. I found Sporcle - the quiz site where I got this workout - and started small. I focused on one continent at a time. It took a while but eventually I could put them together. The fact I can now recite 197 countries, unaided, without the use of a map, is a talent of which I am deeply proud. I accept it doesn't make the world a better place, but still. It keeps my brain ticking over and that can only be a good thing.

Lots of boxes to fill, but if you 
type AND, UNI, DEM, and NOR,
you're in for a good start.

Name All the Countries in Three Letters

A variation on the above theme. This time, you have seven minutes to name all the world's countries, but you only need three letters to get them. So by typing AND you box off anything that ends in LAND. And UNI gets rid of the UK, UAE, and US. It's trickier than it looks, mainly because some countries don't share three letters with anywhere else so you have to scramble about as the time ticks away. But see what you think. It definitely provides the mental work out you might be looking for.

Who knew there were so many?

Name All Agatha Christie's novels.

Ok, this is where we can get a bit niche. I've recently taught myself this one. Mainly because I like Agatha Christie, but there really is something for everyone on Sporcle. How about all the Madonna songs? Or all the popes? What about all the tube stations? There are literally hundreds of choices of quiz available. Search in the box for your favourite topics and see what you fancy.

Zitti e Buoni Lyrics

Right, moving on. As I may have mentioned once or twice, Italy won Eurovision and I love their song. Usually when I love a song, I play it on repeat and belt it out - in the house, in the car, whenever I feel the need to give the world the gift of my music. But here's the thing. Zitti e Buoni, the song in question, is sung in Italian. And not only that, it's sung in very fast Italian. There are a gazillion syllables a line, and even with the lyrics in front of me, I struggle to read it at the speed of the singer, let alone sing along. So, that's my latest brain task. Learn the lyrics to Zitti e Buoni so I can sing along. I've boxed off the first verse, and I've got the chorus locked in too. It's that pesky second verse which is faster than the speed of light, that's the stumbling block. I might never crack it, but the will is there. That's got to be good for the brain, surely.

So there we are. Some fun tasks to ensure the sluggish drag of my overheated head will be minimal over the weeks ahead. Look, if you're full of the joys and gadding about in your shorts and vest tops, good luck to you. I'm happy you're happy and I hope you have a lovely time. If, like me, it's all a bit of a struggle, there are worse things you can do than learn all the countries in Asia, or recount every single queen that's been on Drag Race. It'll certainly fill the time before lovely Autumn breezes in.

Have a lovely week, folks.