'When Do Parents Sleep?' and Other Burning Questions?

Last week I journeyed to a foreign land. Many of you live there already. Some may be regular visitors. There'll be others, like me, that arrive and know nothing of its customs and traditions. The learning curve is steep; every moment providing a hands on lesson in alien life. Nothing is familiar. Nothing makes sense. Reason is useless. The land is established and set in its ways. It will not change for a visitor. The visitor must twist themselves into unrecognisable shapes for their own survival. It's only now, a week on, I can say I made it back. I am OK. There is no irreversible damage. 

'What happened last week?' I hear no one shout. Well, dear Reader, let me tell you. Last week I spent thirty hours as the primary caregiver for two human children. I was put in charge of kids! For over a day and a night! And I survived! I visited the Parent/Guardian Land that many inhabit every day and I have one question. How the frig do you do it? 

The family sitch that required emergency childcare, meant I got to break lockdown and spend time with my niece and neph. So obvs I jumped at the chance and I would again. But blimey, I've seen some shit. I've witnessed a world so unlike my own that it's taken some time to process. In order to aid my re-entry into Child-Free Land, I've made a note of what I learnt. For those that follow, I will light the way in unchartered waters. Make use of me and my travels. I will guide you.

After thirty hours of child care I learnt that...

• There is no time for personal hygiene. I did not wash my hair. My shower was less than a minute and toilet time was accompanied by small people outside the door asking when I was coming back. When do parents have a bath? 

• There is no time for podcasts or news. I didn't check Twitter, listen to my daily news podcasts (plural) or watch any sort of news bulletin over the entire time. How do parents know what's happening in the world? Where do current affairs and politics fit in? 

• The only music allowed is their music. Disney will have benefited handsomely from the accepted playlist on our car journeys. Aha, Wham, and nineties Eurovision writers won't have done. When do you listen to your own music? In the bath you don't get to have?

• It was explained I was not allowed to apply my makeup in private. It was, in fact, a spectator sport. A stool was dragged into my bedroom to make observation optimal. I was then employed (for free!) as a hair and makeup artist to two small humans who had very clear ideas about the colours they wanted that I did not have. Should I have bought more colours? 

• Meals become important. And if not meals, then snacks. I thought kids didn't eat that much, and they don't. But they eat often. I had not realised this. Conversely, I had less meals than normal because when I found I was hungry, we were embroiled in other activities that could not be paused just for me and my needs. When do you even eat?

• Food is a complex issue. I managed to stretch the 'Party Time with Nicky' vibe over the entire period. That meant food was mostly pizza, crisps, toasted sandwiches, and cake. Any longer and I'd have felt the need to introduce a vegetable. I have no idea how that would have gone and I'm lucky I never had to face it. How do you get kids to eat non-party food?

• A playground is always a winner. We were tired, cold, and bored of the park that until that moment had only daffodils and ducks to divert. But then a playground was spotted. Spirits were lifted, bars were climbed, and a firefighter's pole was enjoyed by all. What if there are no playgrounds? 

• Three films in thirty hours is not a maintainable rate. However, Cinderella, Moana and Gnomeo and Juliet did give me a small window to make a cup of tea and sit down. How do you resist putting on films every minute of every day?

• There is no sitting down. Unless film. See previous point. When do you sit down?

• Children wake up early. They insist on adult participation in the day, long before the adult is ready. Are you ever ready? Do you get used to it?

• There is not enough sleep. When do you sleep?

• It is tiring. Aren't you tired? 

• So tiring. Seriously. When do parents actually sleep? 

My shift is over. 

I seem to have hit a recurring theme so I'll stop. But there we are. My initial thought and observations from my travelling experiences. After dropping off my charges and returning home, I struggled to stay awake but made it until 10pm. It was like jet lag - I had to power through. I woke at 8am. A ten-hour kip! I'd love to say I was refreshed but it took a few more days to get right. Again, like jet lag. I had returned from Parent/Guardian Land and my body clock was frigged. Of course now, a week later, I have only happy memories. It was actually top bantz to be honest. Whether I was applying guy liner, desperately negotiating for another five minutes in bed, or singing along to Hakuna Matata in the car, I can reminisce about my holiday exploits with fondness and joy. And now I've returned to Child-Free Land, I can catch up on the news, baths, and sleep, whilst looking forward to future trips. Next time, though, I must remember to pack the Red Bull.

Have a lovely week, folks.