How To Be A Winner...

How's your self-esteem today? Buoyant? Dwindling? Elusive? Perhaps you'd prefer me not to enquire right now but come back when you're feeling a little more marvellous. If we ignore the psychological research for a sec, most people understand self-esteem as the positivity they feel about themselves. With the technical research added in, we know that age and life circumstances can affect its levels, and experiencing trauma can knock everything off balance. So, I'll repeat the question. How's your self-esteem today? Are you walking tall with a visible hair swish, or would you prefer to crawl under the covers and have another bash tomorrow? All answers are valid.

Years after my psychological academic training, I’ve forgotten most of the research that's been done on the subject. The parts I do remember have merged with other theories. Basically, I'm saying, 'Don't quote me. I know nothing for real'. What follows are my own thoughts, not peer-reviewed, statistically-accepted studies. You know the score. It's just rambling. Just a bit of fun.

Hello afternoons, days 1-16 and
 26-28 of the month, and the non
 Autumn/Winter part of the year!

But back to the topic in hand. Put simply, my self-confidence and self-esteem differ wildly, depending on the season, the day, or more specifically, the hour. I’m always happier with myself and the world from September to March. Breaking it down more, I’m always ache-free and in my emotional peak from days seventeen to twenty-five of my menstrual cycle. And then even more broken down, I'm much more alert in the mornings. I can tackle any task I need before lunch but after that I’m fighting to stay focused, counting down the hours until I can officially close my laptop and give up. (Even though that unofficially happens three hours earlier around 2pm.) So, depending on the month, the day, or the hour, I can be a confident go-getting writing Queen, or an insecure, writers-block-ridden husk of a woman. FUN. 

Lots of hair and makeup
efforts here, but it doesn't help
 build a strong narrative arc.

Because I am old and wise now (LOLZZZZZZZ) I’ve worked out some tricks. Basic ways of making the insecure husk appear like the confident Queen on the days when it’s necessary. Some are purely superficial. Slapping on the makeup, or taking time to blowdry my hair properly, can make me feel perkier. Let's be clear, the effects are short term, and not the best measure of writing ability. (Or any ability, for that matter. I know, it's true. My hair and makeup do not reflect my value. Breaking news, World!) So sometimes I need more. On the days when my brain has decided I'm only capable of writing rubbish, I have another trick. A better one.

I was not lying.
WINS amidst the boring stuff.

On my desktop, I have a folder called WINS. It’s full of screen shots, saved docs and links to websites, all of which big me up in some way. Yeah, I know. You’re conflicted right now. You want to dismiss me as a narcissistic horror, but you also know how much you're dying to create your own folder of WINS too. Because when I’ve forgotten how to write, or my menstrual anxiety (defo a thing, right?) is telling me I’m wasting my time, then a quick look at my editor’s comments, the Amazon reviews, or texts from friends saying lovely things, all cause my self-esteem to rise. It’s uncanny. WINS Folders: Every laptop should have one. 

Can you spot me? Woohooo!

This week, I was tagged in something wonderful on Facebook. I screenshot it and saved it straight to my WINS folder. My cousin in Australia alerted me to a child in her school, who had read Leeza McAuliffe Has Something To Say as part of a holiday reading challenge. Seeing it listed alongside the other books they had read, was fabulous. I got immediate chills and a proper thrill. That the months of typing my Word Doc in Allerton Road’s Costa had resulted in a kid in Adelaide reading the finished result, was properly gratifying. I checked my records. The immediate shiver of pride followed by the glow of warmth had nothing to do with optimum seasons, days or hours. It was solely down to the Australian reading child. For the rest of the day, my self esteem was in tip top shape. A brill thing had happened and made me feel spectacular. 

In times of turbulent change, whether pandemically related, getting older in general, or simply having a crap day, I highly recommend a WINS folder. Some people might add a cute picture from their kid or photo of a homemade birthday card. Others might have pictures of a DIY project they completed, showing their perseverance in the face of a challenge. For me, it's simple. I need the constant reassurance that I am marvellous. Happily for my friends and family, I have my trusty folder to take the weight of such a task. Get your WINS folders sorted today. It’s the only thing to rely on in these troubled times. 
Have a lovely week, folks.