Slithers of Silver, Twinkling in the Breeze...

'Sometimes it's haaard to beeee a woman..'. sang Tammy Wynette so memorably. Sadly, rather than go on to lyrically opine about the pain of a misshapen underwire or the rumbling womb-grind of an imminent period, she inexplicably implored us to love our men regardless of their short-comings. It feels an opportunity was missed to pass on real insight.

For indeed, it really is hard to be a woman at times. Rape Crisis reports that in the UK, 85,000 of us are raped every year. Women's Aid tells us that two women are murdered by a partner or ex-partner in England and Wales on a weekly basis. And the Office for National Statistics states that women are five times more likely to experience sexual assault than men. Not the cheeriest set of stats I've read, I'll be honest. And if those awful fates are avoided - through the arbitrary good luck of not being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong person - there's all the other shit around which we have to navigate. The stuff that just bubbles away in the background. Let me share the first few that come to mind.

Things like...

• Knowing we are 51% of the population but represented - in an exciting all time high, no less - by only 32% of female MPs. 
• Enjoying comedy panel shows but recognizing it's an event of epic proportions when female guests outnumber male ones.
• Seeing ugly rape threats tweeted to women you admire and respect, when they openly express views you share.
• Watching news programmes and wondering why the male presenter gets to wear a functional suit but the female presenter has to dress up like a wedding guest.
• Choosing plumbers, electricians and decorators, not on the quality of their work, but on the lack of threat they present when spending time in your home.
• Walking home from the pub and mentally calculating how quickly you can get your keys in your fist, because you have to pass a guy walking his dog. 

It's neverending. It's always there. 

Jo Brand summed it up best on Have I Got News For You last year. When the panel were being flippant about 'low-level' complaints of male MP behaviour, she stopped their laughing and called them out. It was a moment that made me want to stand up and clap. In fact, the studio audience exploded with applause. It seems they felt Ian Hislop and Quentin Letts had missed the point too. 'If you are constantly being harassed, even in a small way, that builds up and that wears you down.' Spot on, Jo. That's exactly it. This environment of constant yet low-level oppression is exhausting. And if, like me, it gets under your skin and you find yourself ranting more than you wish you had to, it's a bloody pain in the arse.

And so to the silver linings. They really are there. Honestly. For reasons of which I'm not totally sure, (although the far-right's rolling back of women's rights has got to be a factor) there have been shimmering glimmers of hopeful history-making, revealed all around. Slithers of silver that shine an increasingly uncomfortable light on the inequality all around. The inequality that's been 'the norm' for so long. Between the uncovering of the Weinstein scandal, the Westminster scandal, the subsequent #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, Oscar presenters realising it's best to stay at home rather than take to the stage and face potential boos, the (almost) universal outrage of men-only dinners with women-only waiting staff, Carrie Gracie's resignation letter highlighting BBC pay disparity, male TV presenters taking pay cuts to address that disparity, an end to the use of 'Walk-On girls' at the darts, uncomfortable dating experiences being discussed and debated aloud rather than being simply accepted as the norm ...EVERYTHING is getting aired. The shutters have been kicked open and the curtains are fluttering in the breeze. Talk feels revolutionary when silence has masked so much.

And on top of all that, there are 156 women that spoke in court last week at the US Gymnastic team abuse case. One by one they stood and faced their abuser. The now-convicted criminal had to sit and hear each woman speak. They were eloquent, brave, and powerful about the impact of the sexual abuse they experienced as a child. Judge Aquilina let every woman take her turn. No one was censored. Nothing was diminished. When the defendant wrote to the Judge and asked to be spared having to listen to the women's statements for so long, she gave him short shrift. Actually, she spent sixteen minutes responding to each of his points. There are GIFs online that show the three-second clip of Judge Aquilina finally tossing the written complaint aside. Those three seconds represent so much. I chose not to add it here. I don't want to make light of the pain of others with a 'fabulous' GIF. Yet it perfectly sums up a collective disgust built up over time. 

I'm not naive enough to think the recent wave of house clearing has rid the world of abusers and predators for good. Nor do I think all people who are part of the problem will realise it straight away. This stuff has been going on for years in a variety of ways. One handsy stranger in a bar is different to systematic sexual abuse over a period of years. But here's the thing - neither should happen at all. Both situations are wrong. They sit on a spectrum with a bunch of other behaviours in between, but the entire spectrum of crappy to criminal behaviour should not exist in the first place. That's the point. Nothing on that spectrum should be accepted. 

Back to those silver linings though. Bit by bit, the discussions are taking place. People are talking. The shutters are staying open. Tales of 'bad dates' are being debated as to what went wrong and why. Future actions are being considered more wisely. The men with lovely behaviour are asking questions about how they can help. The men with not-so-lovely-behaviour are checking themselves. Hopefully the men with criminal behaviour are scared. And when the dust finally settles, and lessons are learnt as the talk continues, it can only be a good thing for the next generation of actresses, waitresses, gymnasts, politicians, women, men, and everyone.

If you feel that this is coming off as a bit 'anti-men' then please don't allow yourself to be mistaken. It isn't. It's anti-abusive-men. It's anti-entitled-men-thinking-they-don't-need-to-treat-women-as-equals-men. It is anti-those-people. And as long as people are talking openly, there are less secret places for those people to hide. In the meantime, plenty of other men know how to treat people with respect, regardless of gender or sex. And unlike Matt Damon, plenty of other men don't need to be the father of daughters to realise that the non-men around them are also human beings. Perhaps Tammy Wynette should have sung about those guys, instead.

Have a lovely week, folks.

Comma Comma Comma Comma Comma Chameleon...

This week I have technical insight and self-reflection to impart. I know. I'm spoiling you. Last week I could ponder neither of these areas with confidence. Yet just five days into the editing of Book #2, I have all kinds of life-lessons to share - for free! You're welcome.

In terms of the editing process, my plan of action was - and still is - to tackle the superficial stuff first. I have a completed manuscript that is very rough. I've mentioned before that the key objective when writing it was to get words on the page. That was all I was concerned with until last week. I wanted to get it done regardless of quality. Now the time's come to shape it into something marvellous. So last week I started to read it from the beginning in order to tidy up the obvious stuff. Things like typos, missed capitals and bad grammar. The basic things that can be neatened up easily before I move on to bigger areas like character voice and narrative arc.

Errors stand out better on paper so I printed it out, took Chapter One and a red pen to Costa, and got cracking. This is where the technical insight comes in. I had only read a couple of pages before I had the realisation. It's something I remember spotting when I saw the first draft of Carry the Beautiful too. Ready? OK, here goes... 

I use commas like there's no tomorrow. 

Seriously, I really do. They're everywhere. It seemed all I did as I read the pages was cross out comma after comma after comma. I throw them around all over the show - sometimes correctly, but often extraneously. If I had a limited supply, I'd have used them up years ago.

I think I am a bit rubbish with the actual technicalities of commas. I have no recollection of being taught them at school. I distinctly remember speech marks and apostrophes but not commas. Also, when I was a teacher I only had to teach their use in list sentences. And that was towards the end of the year for the more able pupils. Teachers in later year groups did the rest. As a result, I'm hazy on it. I think I know what an Oxford comma is but not whether it's a good idea. I have seen commas used after words like 'because', 'so' and 'but' but other times they are not. Is it just author preference or is one way correct? I also think they come before anyone's name is mentioned. Hello, Nicky. Like that. But I only think it. I don't know it.

These pesky little
beggars get everywhere.

Like all literary technicalities, I have gained my understanding of them from reading. When you read lots and see commas 'in the field', the knowledge seeps in without you realising. But as authors' use of punctuation is flexible depending on the context and effect they are aiming for, it's not necessarily the best place to learn the rules. And do I even need to learn the rules if I am allowed to break them anyway?

It's all a big jumble. However, there is some clarity in my mind. I think I have worked out where the issue has come from. (This is where the self-reflection comes in.) It occurred to me that when I am writing as someone else, I am imagining the character act out the words I write. That means I am thinking about the pauses and delivery of each sentence. I picture the film version of my story in order to make it real for me as I go along. My overuse of commas is merely the frustrated director inside me, trying to give the actors all the cues they need to perform the lines in the way I want. That's where my comma-fest is rooted. Deep down I want to be Sofia Coppola. 

Actually, I have even more insight than that. It's not Sophia Coppola I want to be. I finished that last paragraph by googling 'female directors' to find someone I could use to make the point. (It could have been Bigalow, Jenkins or DuVernay. All marvellous. All emulatable.) But it isn't them I'm channelling. I know exactly who I'm trying to be when I write a line. It's Victoria Wood. Yep, the legend that is her. As anyone who memorised the Kitty monologues at high school knows - and it's definitely NOT just me* - there's a lyrical quality to her sentences. They meander away, hitting a variety of notes before the laugh comes. They are full of pauses and beats. They are written to be performed.

*Not only did I memorise it, I borrowed the book of scripts from the school library, photocopied the ones I wanted to learn and
stuck them in a file. Three house moves and plenty of decluttering later, I have just found it at the back of my loft. 👏

So to end this week's ramblings, I'll leave you with one of my favourite Victoria Wood lines of all time. In 1985 Patricia Routledge played Kitty on Victoria Wood: As Seen on TV. Read it, then watch it be performed. This line comes up on the clip at 2.15 but you could do a lot worse than watch the whole thing. 

 'Fortunately, I've just had my TV mended. Well I say mended, a shifty young man in plimsolls waggled my aerial and wolfed my Gipsy Creams, but that's the comprehensive system for you.'

                                              Victoria Wood

There are commas and there are pauses. The sentence does not shy away from layering up the imagery before landing the laugh. It's wordy and wavering. (It's also slightly different than the final version that made it to TV.) I just need to remember that in spite of any inflated ego I might have, I am not actually Victoria Wood. Nor am I a writer/director. I am composing sentences to be read inside someone's head, NOT performed aloud. I need to chill the frig out with my willy-nilly attitude towards punctuation.

So now I have to drag myself away from You Tubing Victoria Wood all day and get back to the editing. By this time next week, I'll have discarded several thousand more commas under a sea of red pen. The good news is, it's because my subconscious thinks it's Orson Welles. Definitely not because I'm shite at punctuation.

Have a lovely week, folks.

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Need to Refuel? You Need Biscuits and Books...

I'm not really into New Year's resolutions. I am more than capable of showcasing my discarded plans and failed attempts at behaviour change any time of the year. No need to make a song and dance about it come January. That seems to be adding an insult to the injury of taking down the decs and eating wilted greens and steamed dust for the rest of the month. However, there are a few decisions I made several New Years ago, that stuck. Three life rules that have managed to transcend the usual pattern of one week of effort then fifty-one of failure. And what are they? Well let me tell you! 

1. I never click on a Daily Fail link.
2. I only ever leave the house in shoes I can walk in. 
3. I make sure I have a book on the go all the time.

I bought these for R and
S's wedding in 2011.
 I wore them for about 20 mins.
The first time I've ditched
wedding shoes before the
ceremony. 

The first two life rules are fairly obvious. I won't show digital (or paper, for that matter) support of views I find abhorrent. My life is all the better for actively avoiding hate-filled bile masquerading as fact. And I've also spent too many nights out walking like a just-born giraffe to waste any more time and money on silly shoes. Since a three-month bout of sciatica last year, I am eternally welded to my trainers. If it means I enter mid-life with 'eccentric dress sense' I don't care. Walking comfortably is not to be taken for granted. 

Sexy? Not a bit.
Comfy? Oh yeaaahhhh.

And then there are books. I do try to keep the always-reading-something resolution going throughout the year. I really do. And it is true that you can't write if you don't read. Reading is the fuel that fires the pen, or something. So I try to read all the time. But then there are times when I don't. If I'm in full writing flow, I worry I'll subconsciously ape the author I am reading. I tend to avoid books in the same genre as the one I'm working on and go for something completely different. But when I'm not in the writing-from-scratch stage, I can go wild. I can read anyone and anything and refuel that pen once again. 

And so over Christmas I caught up with some books I had been waiting to read. I haven't added these to the Reading List tab above, purely because they have all been read in the past couple of weeks. I'll add to that as my reading becomes more sporadic again. But in the interest of sharing, and with a mix of fiction and non-fiction, here's what has kept me busy since mid-December.

White Out by Ragnar Jónasson

This makes me tingle just to think about it. A murder mystery, set in the days before Christmas, in Iceland! What's not to love? At just 215 pages, it was the perfect easy read before Christmas. I had a day off on 18th December and so took myself and this book to a coffee shop to soak up the creepily bleak and atmospheric Icelandic thriller with a large cup of tea. Now I need to forget what happens and read it again at the same time next year.

 Comfort: Food to Soothe the Soul by John Whaite

I never watched Bake Off (I know, I know, it's marvellous, I just don't like being judgy about food) but there are many reasons to love John Whaite aside from his winning baking from back in the day. His last book - Perfect Plates in Five Ingredients - revolutionised my cooking. No mean feat considering how many hours a day I devote to thinking about what I put in my mouth. (Stop it!) His next book was a Christmas present and is just as perfect. Focusing on comfort food, it breaks down into enticing chapters such as  Something Cheesy, Something Spicy and Something Pillowy. His recipes are never fussy and always easy to replicate. This book will contribute to the food I cook and eat at weekends, where the delayed gratification of comfort eating will make it all the more mouth-watering.

What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton

I tend to avoid being political on this blog. Sure, I bang on about sexism and the evils of gender stereotyping but I don't mention party politics much. I don't want to alienate anyone first of all, nor feel the need to defend or critique specific party political positions as they arise. And yet when it comes to the US election of 2016, between two very different parties with two very different candidates, there are no grey areas. I can't be even-handed or balanced on here. I am happy to state I was and still am gutted the result went the way it did and I'm watching the subsequent and ongoing investigations with great interest until wrongs are righted. So it's no surprise that Clinton's book detailing the election campaign and her eventual loss is right up my street. What I was surprised at is how accessible it is. As much as I doubt her politician's barriers ever truly come down, there is a sense of honesty and at times vulnerability running through her recounts that makes me really like her. I'm not sure she goes as far as baring her soul, but she certainly shares a lot of insight into the fairly unique position she holds in public life. Like Jess Phillips' Everywoman, it also acts as a call to arms for women to speak out and not be silenced. A really enjoyable, and at times funny book that lifts the lid on recent events with a refreshingly candid take.

The Scandikitchen by Brontë Aurell

The power of social media is fascinating. It seems in order to nab me as a customer, all you have to do is live tweet during Eurovision. That's what Scandikitchen did a few years ago. I followed them on Twitter and started to use their online food shop. Then I visited their actual shop when I was last in London. For Christmas I got their cookbook, as well as a hamper of Scandinavian food and drink. All because they enjoy Eurovision as much as me. It's a marketing strategy all businesses should consider. Scandikitchen, the book, is marvellous. Whereas I'll be saving John Whaite's comfort food for lazy weekends, the food in here is perfect for every day fuel. The section on open sandwiches is glorious. You think all you need to do is leave the top slice off a cheese and ham butty? Think again. These are works of art that masquerade as lunch any day of the week. Let's get stuck in!

Munich by Robert Harris

I love what Robert Harris does. Or at least what he gives the impression of doing. I think he decides he is going to write a new thriller. So he looks at the history books and chooses a nice juicy time from the past. Then he does a shed load of research, learns about the ins and outs of the period, and creates a page-turning-historical-edge-of-your-seat thriller that both entertains and informs in equal measure. It's really quite clever. Because of Harris I know loads (no really, LOADS) about Russian gulags, the Vatican, code breaking in World War II and now 1938 and the talks between Chamberlain and Hitler prior to the outbreak of war the following year. To be fully transparent, I have to say I've not finished this yet. It's my last book-present to read and I only started it a few days ago. But I know once I sit down and get on with it I will love it like I loved all his others. This is because Harris does what he does very well. It's solid story telling and it's gripping right to the end. And my new Mastermind specialist subject will be Hitler and Chamberlain, even though I won't be completely sure which events are historically accurate and which are made up for the purposes of a jolly romp. Hey ho.

And now that I've written this week's blog, I'm going to put my lap top away, pick up Munich and crack on. That pen needs refuelling once again. And with a mug of tea and a load of biscuits, so do I.

Have a lovely week, folks. 

The Joy of Editing...

The decs are down, the tree's been lashed out the back, and the first Weight Watchers class of the new year has been attended. The routine has returned!

In terms of the new book, the routine isn't quite the same as it was last year. For most of 2017, I spent Tuesdays writing the first draft of Book 2. I finished it a couple of weeks before Christmas. And now, as I get back to the grind and plan out this year's writing schedule, I have to decide what comes next. What do I do with the rough, any-old-words-will-do draft that currently sits at almost 80,000 words? Well, what I do is edit.

The stats don't lie!

This sounds simpler than it is. When I was a teacher, I regularly told my kids to go back and edit their work. It was one of the things you hoped they'd remember to do before they showed you what they'd written. They never did, obvs. I would take one look at their story, spot that the first word of the first sentence was in lower case and start doing my pretend smoke-coming-out-of-my-ears routine (to much hilarity!) as I indicated that they needed to have another look. Editing - in Year Four at least - seemed to consist of checking your capital letters and full stops before saying you were finished.

And to be honest, there's a large part of the next steps I need to take that will be similar. After having had a month's break, I know when I look at the manuscript again, loads of errors will jump out. I will read it through from start to finish and spot erroneous commas, daft typos, and less than well-chosen words that need replacing. That will be the first thing I do.

But that is only the start. Some time ago, when I was trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I wrote a list of things to do once I'd finished the rough draft. Here it is.

• ·      Re-read for spelling/grammer etc
• ·      Split each month into chapters and ensure cliff hangers and closure in each.
• ·      Re-read for consistency. Make notes about formats used. (Year Six not Y6 for example)
• ·      Make sure all kids names in the school are the same throughout
• ·      Make sure place names are consistent throughout
• ·      Read for meaning
• ·      Read for excitement and ebbs and flows
•        Check the recurring themes actually recur
• ·      See if clues and suspense need to be dropped in earlier - people need to want to read on!
• ·      Check characters are consistent in isolation 
• ·      Edit whole book for pace - no dragging 

So, there you go. Even though I'm not even sure what I meant in some of those points (Read for meaning?) that is my To Do list. The real challenge is to take the entire story and shape it into something that piques early interest and then carries the reader through the comings and goings of a year in the life of the protagonist. Right now it's a shapeless blob. In time, it will be a mountainous landscape of peaks and troughs, highs and lows, drama and contentment. I am allowing five months to get it into shape (including using a real-life editor towards the end of that time), then a couple of months of formatting and making. Never let it be said I don't involve you in the process.

Have a lovely week, folks.

So What Did We Learn from 2017?...

Well hello 2018. You're here! Hurrah for new starts, attempted resolutions and an end to picking at the cheese board that's been in the fridge since Christmas.

Anyone reading this will definitely be doing so in the New Year, but I am actually writing it in the old one. It's just over 24 hours before Monday morning blog publishing time - AKA New Year's Day - and I am still firmly in the previous year. As a result, I've not quite made the natural transition from the post-Christmas-reflection period into fresh and forward-thinking optimism. Yet here I am trying to imagine what I will be feeling once 2018 kicks in. I am a living, breathing example of cognitive dissonance right now. With that in mind, allow me to have a bash at merging the two states. I will look back at some of the themes of the past years' ramblings, and see what resolutions they can suggest for the following twelve months. Quite likely it will result in a mish-mash of conflicting concepts and clumsily long sentences. But hey. That's me! Let's crack on and do our best.

I will make the joke
so you don't have to.

Looking back over the past year, certain themes emerge. This is not intentional. Everything I write on here is absolutely random and unplanned. Thank you for not noticing. No really, thank you. But some of the more popular posts I have written can be categorised as Bondie Gets Opinionated. Back in June I shouted from the rooftops about Wonder Woman. It wasn't really a film review. More a feminist rant about how other films have let me down so far. It got a gazillion clicks (well, a few hundred at least) and caused lots of people to message me to say, 'Hey, nice blog'. (I've paraphrased.) In a similar vein, there were lots of clicks for Tales of a Feminist Aunt and Godmother, which could also be summarised as a feminist rant. And finally I ranted (can you spot the theme?) about my enjoyment of the Netflix Series, Mindhunter, even though it wasn't really concerned with representing women particularly well. By all means click the links and see if they stand the test of time. (I know it's only been a few months, but hey. Do it anyway.) In terms of resolutions, I am happy to use this platform for a timely rant now and then. I imagine there will be a continuation of that in 2018. Soz like.

I need to be more like Amélie.

I do enjoy writing about films. Not just any old film I've liked, but ones that take me out of myself and into a random train of thought. They can be categorised as Films that Linger. This year I've shared my thoughts on Trainspotting, T2 Trainspotting, Pretty Woman, Pride, and Murder on the Orient Express. It's been interesting reading these back, not least the Trainspotting pieces. It was in January and February that I watched them and I couldn't remember what I had written. How reassuring to find I still agree with myself. Phew. That could have been tricky. In terms of the year ahead, I think I need to go to the cinema more. As we all know, I have my monthly pass that I pay for, even though it remains stashed away in my bag most of the time. I need to get it out more often. 

The biggest event of my year, is the reason I started this blog in the first place. I wrote and published a book! I know!! I still find that utterly ridiculous and massively pride-inducing. All of the blood, sweat and tears of the process were recorded on here. Let's call this category Author Insights even though that makes me sound like a dick. From coming up with my publishing imprint name, to working my way through the technical minefield that is book formatting, to banging on about it in an attempt at marketing, to a summary of the whole process. It's all here to read and relive. I currently have the first draft of my next book ready and waiting to begin the editing process this week. When I read back these posts it reminds me how far I still have to go with it, but never fear. I am ready to crack on now 2018 has arrived. I'm aiming for an Autumn publication date. (Well, I can aim even if that's stupidly unrealistic.) Do NOT worry. You will be informed at every step.

My pet peeve. Stow your massive bags!

Finally, I have realised I've written about my travels a little bit so let's call this category My Travels. (I'm so imaginative.) This time last year, the only holiday I had booked was the annual Bond piss-up to Wales. That's also the case now. Yet as the Summer got underway, I knew I would lose my mind if I didn't go somewhere. (You can remind yourself of how much I hate the summer months here.) I ended up escaping the North West for Mid-Wales (yeah, there's a theme) to a seaside apartment where I chilled the frig out. However, I was very clever too, oh yes. My little break doubled as a research jaunt for the book I'm going to start after my next one. Carry the Beautiful 2 is the working title (and will be ditched when I get round to thinking of something better) and I wrote about it here. The other trip I made this year was very recent. Canada! Finding out about my paternal Grandad, Alf, was epic. I'm glad I recorded my thoughts so I can look back and remind myself of the entire shebang when I'm old. If you want to relive the experience too - and of COURSE you do - then click away at my first attempt at a series. Who Do I Think I Am?...Part 1, Who Do I Think I Am?...Part 2 and Who Do I Think I Am?...Part 3.

So there we have it. A summary of some of my ramblings from the past year. Obviously I only included the more interesting posts. There's no point bringing up the shitey, boring stuff. We can forget all that and move into the New Year with only the positive memories to buoy us up and keep us going. And now it's time to ditch the week-old cheeseboard and remind myself what vegetables look like. Farewell my cheesy friend. I'll see you next Christmas. 

Happy New Year and have a lovely week, folks.