Monday, 5 June 2017

Tether This Goat in the Shade...

Folks, brace yourselves for my first rant since Black Friday.

I am an easy going sort most of the time. I am polite to strangers, I make sure I buy my round, and I work hard at not bad-mouthing anyone (much) online. And yet, AND YET, my dial is currently stuck at Exasperated and Irritable right now. 'Why is this?' you ask. 'What could have happened to make mild-mannered Nicky's goat get so got?' Well pull up a chair and I will tell you.

I cannot STAND this weather.

According to this it's
not even sunny. But it is!
As I type it is 11am in the morning and my weather app tells me it is 19℃ for yet another day. This is set to continue for the next week, although the beautiful shimmery mirage of a rain cloud icon is promised too. Oh that it proves to be so. I cannot handle this heat. In a country that has little need for air conditioners for the majority of the year, when it comes to the few weeks of sunshine we are allocated, it seems it's expected of us to not only melt sweatily in silence, but also enjoy the experience. It's as if we should be grateful for the weather regardless of how uncomfortable we feel. I am getting more than irritated with well-meaning types telling me to go outside because it is 'so nice'. It is not 'so nice'. It is 'shit'. 

For the sun-worshippers amongst you that can't understand my stance, I'll break it down for you. Here are the Bad Things about the Summer.

'Cooling sun mist' my arse.
The Outside
Going outside in sunny weather takes more planning and preparation than taking a new-born baby for a day trip on public transport. Instead of a nappy bag, multiple changes of clothes and a bottle of Milton's sterilising fluid, you swap them with sunscreen, sunglasses, hay fever medication, shaved legs and a hat. Venturing outside is not as simple or instantaneous as sun-worshippers have you believe. The shaved legs thing definitely needs forethought. At least a day in advance - I can't be the only one reliving the excruciating sting of slapping factor 50 on rash-covered milky pins right now? We've all been there. As for everything else, lubing up the rest of me in gunky lotion just so I can sit on a hard whicker seat, squinting as the sweat runs into my eyes and my itchy allergic throat tightens, is not a fun way to pass the time. Ever. Give me a chilly day, a warm coat and if possible, the need for scarf and gloves. Anything less than that is hell.

Too. Much. Hassle.
Hay Fever
I have alluded to this already. Hay fever is perhaps the most cruel of all the fevers. How unfair to have a seasonal affliction during school exam time? Considering how stingy eyes can get, extra time for eye drop application is only fair. Hay fever sufferers are treated as if they should get over it. And not only get over it, go outside for all the outside fun as well. Sorry but no. Hay fever means staying away from the outside. It means keeping windows shut and it means sending your class back outdoors to remove all the grass from their uniforms when they return after lunch having had a grass fight on the field. That last point may be a little niche but it is still relevant. 

A surprisingly colourful ensemble
for me, but not a pastel in sight.
God, I hate Summer clothes. I hate floaty fabrics, flowery patterns, pastel colours and bare skin. I cannot bear them. Since ditching the work clothes, my daily uniform is pretty uniform. It's PJ bottoms and a T-shirt til mid-morning. Then jeans, black T-shirt and a cardy for the rest of the day. Sometimes I throw a vest top under there too. I like layers. I like dark colours. I like black. I like wearing clothes to keep warm and I utterly despair of anyone that embraces the changeover from Autumn/Winter fashions to Spring/Summer. Utterly despair. 

At the end of the day, mash potato rules. It just does. Mash potato, casseroles, curries, roasts and huge pans of chilli. What does not rule is salad. There is nothing appetising about hot weather food. 

Sunday roast in 
a pub.Yum!
Take-away roast at 
home. Double yum!
Lettuce. Not yum 
in any way.

Now I've ranted I feel a lot better. It's good to share. And the upside is, there are plenty of world climates that suit my needs. I spent three weeks in a wintery Australia once. The daytime temperatures were similar to today but there was widespread air con. Plus, having no central heating to turn on when the sun went down, meant chilly nights with an electric blanket! It was the ideal balance. Likewise, the holidays I've had in Copenhagen, Oslo, Krakow and a snowy New York were all spot on. Perfectly relaxing, lots of fun, but no stifling weather.

All myself and fellow heat-haters can do is grin and bear it till September comes. It feels a million years away now as I sweat in my kitchen but if I believe hard enough it will come. 

Have a lovely week, folks.

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