Everyone must have their own system. Their own system for collecting Christmas baubles and trinkets. That's not the thought I had, by the way. We'll get to that in a bit. But it's useful to provide context. So, Christmas bauble collection methods? My sister, for example, has a tradition with her family. They have a yearly garden centre visit, where each person chooses a new decoration. It's meaningful, eclectic, and at times when her kids were younger, totally batshit. But her tree is a true family project, collated over time. In similar-but- not-really vibes, my brother and his partner buy a tree decoration every time they go on holiday. As frequent travellers, that means they've also ended up with a meaningful, eclectic tree. Good, right?
My own system is equally eclectic but less to do with a planned vision. My bauble box was retrieved from the loft last weekend, the contents of which are now scattered on my tree's branches. Apart from what remains of the initial twelve red and silver spherical baubles I bought in 1997 for my first adult home, every other decoration has been bought for me.
OK, that's not true. They've been bought, or they've been given to me as gift tags, blingy bows on presents, or in one instance, as the tartan-bowed instructions of a porridge recipe that was wrapped around a spurtle I once purchased in Scotland. The point is, I've not given tree decs a second's thought since 1997. They've just turned up over the years. I love that. It makes revisiting them each winter particularly lovely. Every year I'm reminded of old friends, ex-colleagues, and a child or two that I taught once. The result is, I have my own eclectic and meaningful tree. Cool, right?
But back to that thought that I had last weekend. It's to do with a theme that's emerged from my gifted baubles. Let's look at the evidence. There's the sparkly oversized N that I hung near the top. And the small purple bauble with NICKY written across it in gold. Or there's the chalkboard disc with N.B slap bang in the centre. And then there's the silver cutout of an italicised NICKY in the middle of a bauble-shape. Finally, my fave is the illustration on perspex of NICKY - wearing her jeans, jumper, and glasses, sitting amidst a pile of books. That was a gift last year and I love it. But when it's added to the rest on my tree - a tree I share with another person who's not called Nicky - it does seem a tad self-centred. So back to that thought that keeps popping into my mind. Taking in all the evidence that my tree presents, does this make me... a narcissist? Or at the very least, am I perceived to be a narcissist by anyone that's met me?
Narcissist. It's a word that gets bandied about all over the place these days. That's not helped by the fact we have some horrific public figures in the world that seem to fit our collective understanding of the term. But as someone that has an actual qualification in Psychology and baulks at diagnosing people from afar, it's probably best to be accurate. So let's head to Wikipedia! - a resource sadly not available during my own psychological studies.
'Narcissism is a self-centred personality style characterised as having an excessive preoccupation with ones self and ones needs, often at the expense of others.'
Well then. That's settled, isn't it. Or is it? Can we really take the opening sentence of Wikipedia, along with a potentially one-note set of decorations as the basis for self-diagnosis of a personality disorder? I'm thinking... no. But as I said, the word is attributed to all sort of public figures (well, one main one) which may or may not be accurate. As such it's become a term used much more in every day discourse.
The journalists, Dorian Lynskey and Ian Dunt have a podcast called Origin Story. In it, they take a word or phrase that's become widely misused, dig deep into the research and reading, and find evidence to explain the real meaning. It's a brilliant listen. They've deep-dived into terms such as, Gaslighting, Fascism, and Woke, breaking down the misconceptions built up over time and revealing the truth. I'd LOVE them to do an episode on narcissism. When did it make the leap from psychiatrists' diagnostic manuals into public discourse? What specifically has drawn it into popular culture in recent years? And am I really a narcissist? You know, the sort of questions we all have.
But look, let's get back to Wikipedia before we get too bogged down in self-involvement. This is a quote from the second paragraph of the intro (of the really long, multi-section entry on Narcissism, that I didn't bother to read all the way to the bottom.)
'Narcissism exists on a continuum that ranges from normal to abnormal personality expression. While many psychologists believe that a moderate degree of narcissism is normal and healthy in humans, there are also more extreme forms...'
I stopped quoting when it began to get less pithy and reassuring. Classic narcissist behaviour right there, yeah? Erm, not sure tbh. Either way, I'm going to make a self-diagnosis, right here and now. Ready? Here we go. I probably DO have narcissistic tendencies but I'm calling them a healthy amount. I definitely put myself first when I have the option to do so. And I play the long game. I knew I was far too selfish/selfing* to procreate, so I didn't. I don't like being told what to do, I work much better when I'm left alone to get on with it, and working in a team with its expectations of collaboration and ideas-sharing drives me mad. The final evidence? For years now, I've been spewing out a weekly blog, filled with nothing but my own thoughts.** Self-centred much? Very possibly.
But... but... BUT... there are some counter-arguments. I didn't buy any of the baubles with my name on, I give people lifts when they ask me, I baby-sit my nieces and nephews if I'm free, and I throw spare money towards charity when I can. Perhaps it's not as cut and dried as I thought. Maybe hearing a buzzword getting thrown about the media isn't the best way to diagnose a personality disorder. Maybe my friends and family enjoy celebrating my name in bauble form and it's no reflection on me. Or maybe I've overthought this whole thing and sharing it with you now will help you realise you're not alone when you have your own random, spiralling thoughts.
Have a lovely week, folks.
*A friend introduced me to this term years ago. Means the same as selfish but without the negative connotations. I like it.
** YOU'RE WELCOME
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