Do you remember where you were when you heard the exciting news? What you were doing, who you were with, how you felt? Sorry, haven't I said? My bad. It's the new Bond theme, of course. Did you hear it? Did you catch it when it dropped? Were you able to give it your full attention or did it enter your consciousness gradually over several plays as you went about your weekend?
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| Fair play to Billie Eilish. She did a cracking job singing at the Oscars last week. |
I'll be totally honest from the start. I haven't heard it. Yeah, I know. I don't care and I never really have. Sorry to Billy Eilish who I'm sure is marvellous. Sorry to Adele, Sam, Garbage, Aha, Dame Shirley, and anyone else who ever gave their best Bond effort. This is not about you. I promise. The issue is all mine.
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| Don't take it personally, Sean. You've plenty of fans without me. |
I've never fully worked out why the Bond films leave me cold. It's possibly because their blokey-aesthetic doesn't float my boat. If my head is taken out of the plot by the need to rail against the sexism and sexual transgressions of the hero, then it's going to stop me enjoying what's supposed to be escapist fun. I'll leave it for others to watch instead. The other issue of course is that it's my name. When I hear the name Bond, I have a dozen or so other people who immediately come to mind before the fictional spy man. Who's James? No one I know.
Growing up with the name Bond is quite nice. It has a cache of cool about it, presumably based on those very films I don't enjoy. Upon hearing my name for the first time, there's always a similar response from strangers. It's changed slightly over time, but it's fundamentally the same. When I was younger, it was, 'Ha, is your Dad called James?' LOLZ. As I got older, it was, 'Ha, is your boyfriend called James?' More LOLZ. I've yet to reach the 'son' or 'grandson,' stage but I'm sure it will happen*. The circle of life and all that. It still doesn't make it witty though.
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| Friday morning's trending topics. |
In spite of that, I love my name. It's mine so I have to. It would be sad if I didn't. But it also means that I see it on film posters and headlines every so often. It was trending on Twitter on Friday, which caused me a small amount of glee before I realised it was because of the new Bond theme. (I imagine seeing your name trend unexpectedly for those in the public eye is an entirely negative and stressful event.) But all this got me thinking. If I'm going to ignore the official Bond theme that the world is talking about, what's MY Bond theme? Or themes? What songs would I have in the story of Bond, Nicky Bond, 009**. Well, worry not because the wait is over. Here are my Bond themes. The songs that soundtrack the themes of MY life. The songs I turn up and belt out as soon as I hear them. Click the links and enjoy them all, it's my gift to you. And as an act of reconciliation, I'd be happy for Aha, or Dame Shirls, or Billy E to cover any of them, any time.
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| Yep, Gloria covered it too. Image taken from this website. |
I first heard this as a disco version on the Queer as Folk soundtrack in 1999. I decided I wanted it played at my funeral. Since then I've seen it performed in its original guise a couple of times - slowed down and powerfully emotive - ending the first act of La Cage Aux Folles. It demands to be played loud and proud. It's brilliant. It's my fave. Click on both links to enjoy the different versions yourself. And I still want it at my funeral. Disco or musical theatre, I don't care which.
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| The song is taken from a 1884 film of the same name. I've never seen it, never wanted to see it, and know very little about it. But this GIF is from that film so please enjoy. |
When anyone asks me about my favourite song, this is the answer I give. (The only other response is True Colours by Cyndi Lauper but it's too slow and mellow to be a Nicky Bond Theme. Soz.) It's from my childhood, it takes me back, and it's upbeat enough to raise a mood. It was out a few years before but I became aware of it on a caravan holiday in Weymouth in 1987. It was played every night in the family club, along with Rick Astley and Mel and Kim. I don't remember dancing to it as such. I was way too cool for that, obvs, but I really liked it. See what you think all on your own and click the title. It'll definitely perk you right up.
I first heard it from a big screen in a Copenhagen market square, during the Eurovision Semi of 2014. I heard for a second time, two nights later, in the auditorium for the final. Rise Like a Phoenix romped home, got all the love in the world from the crowd and became my favourite Eurovision entry of all time. (Sorry to Sweden's own Herreys, who had that honour until Conchita came along. Diggiloo Diggiley will ALWAYS be in my heart.) It soars, it swells, it's empowering and powerful. It was also compared to a Bassey Bond theme at the time. See what you think. And then, just for fun, listen to Diggiloo as well. Both classics. Both worth a listen.
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| Timeless |
Before The Killers came into my life, this was the only song that would get me up on a dance floor without being dragged. The second it comes on, I want to dance. That's not a feeling I'm used to, and happens at no other point in my life. (Mr Brightside is the only recent exception.) It immediately reminds me of a school trip to Germany although there's now a second memory. This was my brother and sister-in-law's first dance at their wedding last year. Their music choice had been a closely guarded secret. When it came on, I was - luckily for them - embroiled in an in depth conversation about whiskey with my uncle. If he hadn't been taking all my attention, I'd have bounded over to their marital dance space and joined right in. (The quote, 'There were three of us in this marriage,' would have been entirely apt. For the length of the song, at least.) I think we all owe my uncle a great debt of gratitude for his timely intervention.
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| My US based GIF finder has been unable to source a Grace Petrie GIF. Booo. But here's me aged seven, who would have loved to have heard Black Tie around about then. |
My most recent theme song. My sister heard this on Radio 2 last year and told me I'd love it. She was right. The lyrics are perfect. The tone is spot on. It breezily shoots through all the issues I get wound up about, with an upbeat tempo and cheery melody. It's also got a massive emotional punch. I've learnt it off by heart, so if I am ever called on for an impromptu karaoke performance, I've got this under my belt. I love it so much. It's everything. It also has the best rhyme in the chorus.***
So, either I've given you the best start to your day, with excellently curated song choices that make you want to sing along and work out your own theme tunes, or, I've bored you senseless with pointless riffing on my life and derided a much loved film franchise along the way. Hey, I am what I am. You need to have a little respect. Erm... something about electric dreams of a black tie... and we'll rise like a phoenix from the ashes next time. Or something.
Have a lovely week, folks.
*Obvs I am blatantly old enough to have a son. But I'm also at the age where strangers worry about referring to possible children if they do not see them with me. They worry it could highlight a loss they perceive in me, or set me off on an emotional rant about not assuming things about my life. I see this a lot. It's just how it is. There is no loss and I love my childfree status. But to then explain that to strangers at a cash till only comes off as over-compensatory and defensive. Sigh.
**Not even joking. 009 was my reference number for my GCSEs. I had to write it on the front of every exam paper. If there had been two less people before me in the alphabet, 007 would have been all mine.
***The rhyme I love is...
And the images that fucked ya
Were a patriarchal structure...
It never fails to both cheer me up and embolden me in one fell swoop.
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